


The Weird Life of Namiko Uzumaki

by SheppyTheHam



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Bad Jokes, Blood and Injury, Crack Treated Seriously, Explicit Language, Female Uzumaki Naruto, Gen, Genderbending, I'm Bad At Tagging, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-10-19 01:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17592422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheppyTheHam/pseuds/SheppyTheHam
Summary: After a simple mission goes horribly wrong, Namiko Uzumaki embarks on a mission to search for a new Hokage and redeem herself. Chaos ensues after a confrontation with a petty thief, and Namiko loses control of the thing she suppressed most.Now she tries to keep it under control, deal with daily problems and the chunin exams run by sadists.





	1. Namiko tries not to fail. Guess what? She fails.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If anyone's reading this, I hope you somewhat enjoy this.  
> This fanfic is being posted from my wattpad acc to here.
> 
> Anyway, here's some quick info that I wasn't able to put in the tags. Not all the characters are genderbent.
> 
> Character name changes in this chapter include:  
> Naruto - Namiko  
> Sasuke - Sayuri  
> Sakura - Satoshi  
> Ino and Hinata's names have not changed.

Namiko sprinted through the streets of Konoha, wearing her bright orange trousers and black T-shirt. With paint in her hair and clothes, she turned around to grin at her sensei, who was running after her while Anbu jumped from one roof to another. "These dickheads should get fired! I can't believe they-" she laughed triumphantly, but ran face first into a building. Iruka sighed and pulled her up by the arm.

"Namiko," he started sincerely, "stop being an attention whore!" he screamed, his head growing about three times larger.

"Oh yeah? Well you stop— Uh," the girl tailed off, not knowing what to say.

"You don't have to do this," Iruka explained, relaxing. Namiko shrugged and walked away, starting to whistle. "Get your ass right back here! You think you can get away with painting on the Hokage monuments?" Iruka shrieked once he noticed.

Minutes later, Iruka chucked Namiko to the floor of the classroom and she crashed down in an exaggerated melodramatic way. "Thought you were faster than me, huh?" he chuckled.

"That's no way to treat a girl!" Namiko shrieked, smacking the ground with her palm.

"You don't act like one," Iruka retorted.

"Say what?"

Iruka clapped his hands loudly, making the heads of everyone in the room snap up. "You've failed the exams more than once. When are you gonna take things seriously?" he chastised. Namiko ignored his warning and huffed obstinately, looking to one side. "Okay, since Namiko bunked, all of you will be doing the transformation jutsu again!" the man announced. Everyone groaned but reluctantly lined up, Satoshi being first. He transformed into Sayuri. "Nice. But why the hell did you turn into Sayuri?" Iruka asked him.

Satoshi, still looking like the Uchiha girl, grinned from ear to ear. "Because she's smokin' hot," he explained simply.

Iruka only sighed as if he was used to his shit. "Well, you get credit for doing the jutsu. Sayuri Uchiha!" he called. Sayuri perfectly transformed into Iruka before walking to the end of the line. "Namiko Uzumaki!" Iruka called off the register.

Shikamaru scowled when he heard her name. He'd stayed up late playing _Grand Theft Kunai - Kirigakure_ all night long and his mum smacked him for playing an 18+ game. He was already in a bad mood and he had just been woken up. "You're wasting our time," he growled at the blonde girl.

"Yeah," Ino agreed, nodding.

"Like I give a shit," Namiko replied and stepped forward.

Hinata watched her with a small smile on his face. " _She's so lively... Dem shoes tho,"_ he thought, glancing at her shoes, when he realised that they were the same as everyone else's. _"Never mind."_

Namiko did the hand signs for the transformation jutsu with a fake grin on her face. A large cloud of smoke appeared, revealing a naked lady that looked almost identical to her when it parted. A few wispy clouds around her body was the only decency she had. At the sight of this, Hinata and Iruka gasped. Namiko blew a kiss at her sensei.

"You like it? That's my sexy jutsu!" Namiko declared and turned back to normal, but it was too late. The poor academy students had already seen something that could not be erased from their minds. Some people didn't want it to, though. Looking at you, Hinata.

Iruka took a deep breath, unfazed. "You've just made all these kids lose their innocence!" he screamed, head turning giant again.

Some edgy kid in the background rolled their eyes. "Ugh, what innocence?"

*

"Stupid lil' shit," Namiko muttered under her breath as she scrubbed paint off the Hokage monuments. Iruka sat at the top, playing on his phone.

"I heard that, you know," he said, "and you're gonna clean all of it. But first, let me take a selfie." Iruka turned his back on Namiko and took a selfie of himself with her angry face in the background.

After Iruka had taken a few more selfies and Namiko finished cleaning up the previously paint-covered Hokage monuments, he took her to get some ramen, which was the thing she loved most in the world. Ayame and Teuchi, the people who worked at the shop, were a very close second. The student and sensei were eating in silence until Iruka spoke.

"You know, you're pretty stupid," he stated. Namiko, who still had food in her mouth, stared at him for clarification. "You say you want to be Hokage, but you can't be Hokage when—"

"Okay, okay! Shut up and let me eat first. Did you bring me here to talk or somethin'?" she grumbled.

"Why would you paint on the monuments?" Iruka asked, ignoring her question.

"Because I'm gonna be better than all of 'em and get rid of the scumbags infestin' this village. Me, Namiko Uzumaki!" she exclaimed. Iruka sighed. What if she somehow passed and got hurt on a mission? With an IQ that probably wasn't two digits, she would definitely do something stupid.

"When I become Hokage, I can get justice for people like me!" Namiko yelled and snapped the man out of his thoughts.

"What do you mean?" Iruka asked.

"Well..." Namiko shifted around uncomfortably, "I know you know. You've heard the shit people say about me... What do you think I mean?"

Iruka wanted to tell her why this was happening to her, but at the same time he didn't. He didn't know how she would react. Besides, it was forbidden to tell her.

"People treat me like I'm some kinda animal!" Namiko growled, getting irritated by his silence. "A murderer! An object! Everything that isn't human. I don't know why it happens, but it does. An' I've remembered every single face that's—"

"Namiko, do you want revenge for how you've been treated?" Iruka asked seriously.

Namiko glared at him. "What, you think I'm gonna destroy the village or somethin'? Shit, why'd I tell you all this?" she muttered after. "I ain't a villain."

"You know I don't think that," Iruka said.

Namiko made a short humming sound that Sayuri Uchiha would probably approve of, but she seemed to forget to stay angry once Ayame started talking to her.

*

"Alright students, when I call your name, you'll do the clone jutsu. Got it?" Iruka asked, making eye contact with the students. Namiko nodded as if she understood but she was internally screaming.

 _"Shit, shit, shit! I can't do that!"_ the girl thought. She really wanted to pass this time and get her forehead protector. Namiko was called down last and she walked down the steps to the front as slowly as she could. She wanted to be as slow as a snail but an unidentified prick of an academy student shoved her down and she sprawled all over the floor, taking even longer to get up. About two thousand years later, Namiko was finally standing straight and she breathed in and out for almost five minutes, trying to stall them.

"For God's sake! Just do it!" Chouji snapped from his seat. "I'm out of chips — potatoes; I'm British, bitch — and I wanna leave!"

Iruka glanced at the Akimichi boy, deeply agreeing.

 _"I can do this,"_ Namiko thought. She put her hands into the correct position for the clone jutsu and chakra began to flow around her. Smoke parted and there was no sight of a clone. Until they looked down to see a weak, colourless copy of Namiko lying on the floor, tongue flopping out of her mouth.

Iruka gritted his teeth. "You failed!" he screamed.

"Hey, c'mon, you've got no chill. She's been practicin' for ages so give her a break!" Mizuki, the other sensei in the room, argued. Namiko nodded vigorously but Iruka shook his head.

"Everyone else did three or more. Namiko only managed one, and look at how shitty it is," Iruka explained, placing a hand over his face in exasperation.

"Bummer, dude," a kid said, tying his new forehead protector around his head.

It was time for everyone to go home. Students who passed were showing each other the proof of their graduation and parents were congratulating them. "I'm so proud of ya, Jimmy!" a mother cheered.

"That's my girl, a chip off the old block," a father chuckled.

One child was sitting alone on a swing, watching them from a distance.

"Hey, you see that little sket over there? I heard she didn't graduate," one mother whispered to another but everyone could hear them anyway.

"Good. I don't want her hurting my son, Johnny Junior Keith Maximus Michaeleighloughlee, especially with that thing—" the other one grumbled but was interrupted.

"Shhh... The kids'll hear."

Namiko snorted, grip tightening around the rope holding up the swing. She'd actually be surprised if there was someone who didn't hear. The blonde sighed and put on her goggles, only to see a shadow over her. She was surprised to see Mizuki-sensei when she looked up.

Meanwhile, Iruka and Hiruzen Sarutobi, the third Hokage, were standing at the back. "Iruka, we need to talk," Hiruzen said grimly.

"Bitch, how the hell did you get—" Iruka jumped up with fright but noticed who he was talking to. "Sorry. I mean, Lord Hokage, what is it?" he asked, bowing slightly.

The Third Hokage glanced at the now empty swing.

"Namiko has disappointed me," he said.

"Press F to pay respect! That's a little harsh," Iruka gasped.

"Well, at the very least, I know she could do better."

Mizuki and Namiko were sitting together on some random building, watching the sun set. "My boy Iruka's tough as hell, but he ain't got beef with you," Mizuki explained.

"Then why? Why's it just me he picks on?" Namiko asked, frowning as if she was physically in pain.

"'Cause he wants you to work harder and stop muckin' around. But I might know a way that you can graduate," Mizuki said coolly.

"Really?" Namiko straightened up, immediately eager.

Mizuki smirked and leaned forward to tell her how to pass. Once Namiko jumped away in excitement, the man stood up and left, too, meeting up with Iruka and expaining what he had been up to.

"Namiko seemed pretty sad, ya know. I told her to practice harder for the next examination, but we can only hope she does. Am I right?" he chuckled.

"Yeah," Iruka murmured.

After a brief conversation, the two went their separate ways as the sun was completely engulfed by the horizon.

Iruka slept early that night. Until he was jolted out of his sleep.

"Iruka! Wake up!" a voice yelled. Iruka gasped at the sudden banging on his door and opened it immediately.

"Mizuki?" he asked, groggy, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "What is it?"

"You need to go to the Hokage. It's Namiko," Mizuki said, then went quiet for a moment. "She stole the Sacred Mixtape."

Iruka gasped again, much louder this time, with a look of shock on his face. "You mean the Mixtape of Sealing? Crap!" he exclaimed.

In the forest, Namiko was listening to the mixtape she had put into a stolen boom box. "I don't understand any of this!" she grumbled, listening to the inappropriate words and fast talking that was emitting from the boom box. She rewind it to the beginning and sighed. "Let's see... Multi Mixtape jutsu," Namiko muttered, concentrating on the almost unintelligible words. "The user creates clones... Damn it, I suck ass at clone jutsu!"

*

"Lord Hokage, this needs to be dealt with! That mixtape has secrets in it that the First Hokage recorded!" a random Chunin explained.

"If it falls into the wrong hands it could destroy the whole world," another man muttered.

The Third Hokage simply chuckled at their exaggeration before his ace turned grim. "I see. Bring Namiko here at once!" he shouted.

They all shouted, "Sir!" before running off to find the troublesome girl.

Mizuki dashed through empty streets, a sly grin plastered on his face. _"Now that I blamed that shit on Namiko, I can wreck her. They'll be glad she's dead, and I can keep the Mixtape for myself, yolo,"_ he thought.

Somewhere inside the forest, Namiko was huffing and puffing. Another shadow was cast on her and she looked up to see Iruka. "It's the end of the line," he said, chuckling like he was crazy. Namiko grinned and laughed back.

"Damn, you're quick. I only managed t'learn one technique," she explained. "Lemme show you my new jutsu and you'll let me pass, right? Anyone who learns a jutsu from this mixtape passes, ain't it?"

"Huh?" Iruka grunted, raising his eyebrows. "What kinda messed up idea is that?"

"Mizuki-sensei told me about it!" Namiko answered and Iruka gasped.

 _"...Mizuki?"_ he thought in shocked silence. The whooshing sound of flying weapons was heard, but luckily for Namiko, Iruka shoved her out of the way, getting pierced by multiple kunai in the process.

"I see you found out my plan," Mizuki said evilly, stepping out from behind a tree branch.

"Actually, Namiko told me!" Iruka said, growling in pain.

"That hoe snitched on me!" Mizuki snarled to himself. He turned to look at the blonde, and with a kinder voice, called, "Namiko, pass me the mixtape!"

Namiko looked up at the tree Mizuki was on and then back to Iruka. "What's going on?" she asked, frowning.

"You dense piece of crap!" Iruka cried out. "Run! Don't let Mizuki get that mixtape! He used you! He's lying!"

"I'll tell ya who's really lyin'," the light-haired man cackled. "They've been lyin' to you your whole life. Everyone knows except you, Namiko."

"Knows what?" Namiko asked, looking more confused than ever.

Iruka stopped dancing, eyes going wide. He screamed at Mizuki to shut up, but the man paid no notice.

"Have you heard of the Nine Tailed Fox who attacked our village twelve years ago, killin' many people? The attack that killed Iruka's parents?" Mizuki asked, grinning.

"Yeah! But what's the secret?" Namiko questioned, a twinge of fear in her voice.

"Oh, Namiko, you really don't know?" Mizuki asked with false sympathy. "The Nine Tailed Fox is you!"

"No! It's forbidden to tell her!" screamed Iruka. Namiko stared at Mizuki in shock, before looking at the ground. Weird. Why was everything blurry?

"No," she whimpered to herself. Why would anyone think that? Then it clicked.

That's why she had no friends at school.

That's why those parents said those things about her.

That's why she'd been hearing voices brimming with anger and hatred all her life.

Did her parents leave her? Or, even worse, did she kill them?

"Nah, bitch. Don't 'no' me! You are the Nine Tailed Fox!" Mizuki yelled. "Iruka's parents died in the attack, the whole village was almost destroyed, and the Fourth Hokage died! All cause of your ass!"

"Shut up!" Iruka screamed.

"They've been lyin'!" Mizuki jeered, moon walking on the branch. He went into a lengthy explanation, something so corny and boring that even I, the ever so tedious Narrator, couldn't narrate it all.

"No, no, no, no!" Namiko muttered under her breath, chakra furiously swirling around her.

"...and that's why you'll never be accepted and your sensei hates ya ass!" Mizuki finally finished his Evil Monologue. "Now, die!" he yelled, spinning a giant shuriken which he threw at Namiko. She was trying to scramble away but wasn't fast enough. Fortunately for her, the huge shuriken never hit her. Iruka had once again jumped in the way.

"Why?" Namiko asked, staring into Iruka's shiny eyes.

"Because we're the same," he finally replied. Iruka went into a lengthy explanation as well, talking about losing his family, being alone, and acting stupid to get attention. By the time he finished his Sad Monologue, tears were streaming down his face and dripping onto Namiko.

"So y'all are just gonna ignore me like that? I'm right here," Mizuki said, smiling, though it didn't look like he was happy at all. The two on the floor didn't reply, so he continued. "Iruka hates your bitch-ass. The Nine Tails is the reason he has no parents, and now that fox has merged with you! He just wants the mixtape!"

Iruka looked over his shoulder and smirked at Mizuki. "Like she'll ever believe you," he said, turning back to Namiko, only to see that she was gone with the mixtape and boom box. "Noooooo!" he cried, hand out like he was in those dramatic, cheesy movies.

"We've been through this already, Mizuki! I know you're brain-dead but you know better than that," Iruka grunted, pulling the shuriken out his spine like it was nothing. He threw it at Mizuki, who simply stepped to the side.

"Sorry, but I'm gonna get that mixtape," the light-haired man cackled before running off.

A few minutes of chasing passed and Namiko was nowhere to be seen. Mizuki snarled and turned to see Iruka up in the trees behind him. "You're dumb as fuck! Why the hell are you protecting that demon? Tell her to gimme the mixtape!" Mizuki roared, irate.

"Nah," Iruka said.

"Don't you get it, dumbass? She's just like me. She'll use that mixtape for her own power. She'll pour her hatred into it and destroy that mothafuckin' village. That's how beasts are," Mizuki said and grinned widely.

Iruka didn't say anything for a while but then muttered, "You're right."

The real Namiko, who was watching from under a pile of leaves and sticks, sighed. _"Iruka-sensei never believed in me at all,"_ she thought. _"He thinks I'm a demon!"_ Her eyes narrowed.

"That is how beasts are," Iruka continued, "but she isn't a beast. She's Namiko Uzumaki from the Hidden Leaf village!"

"Carry on! Carry on!" Namiko sniffed, tears leaking out of her eyes. She started to clap quietly.

"Well, Iruka, I was gonna save you for later but I'm gonna kill you now," Mizuki snapped, spinning another giant shuriken around.

"What do you mean by save you for later?" Iruka asked.

Mizuki ignored Iruka's question and darted forward, but was suddenly struck by something: Namiko. She headbutted him in the stomach and the shuriken flew out of his hands, cutting some branches down. "Not bad for a ratchet girl," Mizuki grumbled, trying to stand up.

"Listen up, you rotten piece'a shit. If you ever touch my sensei again, I'll kill you," Namiko growled.

Hearing this, Mizuki chortled. "You got big talk, but I could wreck your ass with a single move!"

"Bitch, please," Namiko replied, a stony look on her face. "I could make a thousand at once!"

"Show me what ya got, girl!" Mizuki taunted her.

"Multi Mixtape jutsu!" Namiko declared. One second later there were many clones surrounding Mizuki.

"Smoke weed every day!" four clones yelled from one direction.

"Oh shit, waddup!" two others hollered.

"You used to call me on my brickphone," some other clones sang.

All the other clones were imitating them. Some were saying the same thing over and over again while a few were even singing Dustin Beaver songs. Very badly and out of tune. The amount of clones singing at the same time made the sounds warbled and unintelligible, making Mizuki fall to the floor with tears in his eyes.

"Make it stop!" he sobbed hysterically. The hundreds of clones paid no notice and headed towards him, still repeating their songs. Then they beat the ninja out of him and fifteen minutes later, Mizuki was bruised and broken all over.

The clones disappeared, leaving only Namiko, who grinned. "He deserved that," she chuckled. Iruka simply beckoned to her and a moment later she stood in front of him.

"Close your eyes," he said.

"Y'better not try anything," Namiko muttered, but did as he said. When she was finally allowed to open her eyes she didn't feel much of a difference.

The early morning sun shone on them and Namiko noticed that Iruka didn't have his forehead protector on. With a gasp, she moved her hand to her forehead, feeling cool metal connected to cloth.

"You're the best!" Namiko squealed, hugging him as tight as she could.

"Hey, hey, hey, watch it! My back still hurts!" Iruka wailed.


	2. The perfect girl and honourable granddaughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name changes for this chapter:  
> Konohamaru - Kumiko

It was a peaceful morning in the Hidden Leaf village; the sun was shining but no birds were chirping because birds are annoying as hell and poop everywhere so they went extinct 30 years ago. Well, there were still eagles, hawks and other shit like that but normal annoying birds were gone. Back to what I, the ever so tedious Narrator, was saying before, the sun was shining.

"Look, are you sure you wanna take a picture when you look like that?" the camera-man asked.

"Just do it!" Namiko demanded, waving her arms about.

"Don't blame me if your parents disown ya," the man grumbled, worried that he'd get sued for breaking up a family, and kneeled behind the camera. "Say cheese." Namiko didn't say anything and the camera flashed.

When the picture came out, Namiko had gigantic lips, a black wig covering one of her eyes, and one pound of makeup plastered on her face. How terrifying she looked.

Less than thirty minutes later, Namiko sat on a cheap plastic chair while the Third Hokage and some other guy were sitting almost half a mile away at a desk. Sunlight streamed through the windows and birds chirped even though I, the ever so tedious Narrator, said that they were extinct in the first paragraph.

Hiruzen looked at her identity papers with that horrifying picture on it and then at the girl, who laughed at his reaction.

"You know, at first I didn't know how to do it! It took me like, three hours, but I finally got it. I made the perfect girl!" Namiko boasted.

"Do it again," Hiruzen ordered abruptly.

"Say what?"

"We cannot accept this photograph."

"Well, I'm not doin' it again!"

The Third simply stared at her with a blank look on his face which Namiko grew irritated at, so she transformed into a naked lady. "Please, don't make me do it all over again, Hokage-sama," she begged seductively.

"Sexy jutsu, hm? Don't ever do that again," he told Namiko. "Anyway, where the hell is your forehead protector? You're supposed to wear it, you giant ignoramus."

Namiko ignored the last few words and adjusted her goggles. "I'm not gonna put it on 'til the orientation. I don't wanna get it dirty," she explained.

"You don't want to make your forehead protector dirty but the picture that identifies you sure is. That picture is an abomination, a sin. Its very existence is evil. You look like such a thot. I mean, look at this!" the Hokage exclaimed. He held up the picture, and on it with messy handwriting read, _"Only God can judge me."_

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Bijuu academy with the Sage of the Six Paths, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on that ghetto called Kirigakure, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Konoha armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Tailed Beasts across the Ninja world and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Hunter nin Corps and Anbu black ops and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo," the Nine Tailed Fox roared inside her cage but Namiko only felt a rumble in her stomach and the Third Hokage didn't notice at all.

"That picture is important for missions and your future. Look at it; you can't even tell who it is," the Hokage continued.

"Fine, fine, fine. How was I supposed to know all that shit anyway?" the girl muttered.

The door burst open and a tiny girl with a helmet ran in, footsteps making little clattering noises against the wooden floor. "I challenge you, old man!" she yelled. "I'm gonna whoop your ass and become the Fifth Hokage!"

The girl kept running until she tripped over thin air. An awkward silence ensued and they all stared at her as she curled up on the ground, crying loudly with her hands over her face.

_"My granddaughter, another annoying brat,"_ the Hokage thought, rolling his eyes, and a man with black glasses poked his head around the door and looked at the girl.

"Something tripped me!" she cried, rubbing her face. Hearing this, the man began to breathe intensely as his intense intensity intensified.

"There you are, honourable granddaughter!" he finally said. "Oh yeah, and there's nothing here for you to trip on. It's pretty flat."

_"Little shrimp,"_ Namiko thought, glaring at the kid.

The man with black glasses gasped and looked at Namiko as if he'd only just noticed her. "It's that kid!" he yelled.

"You're the little shit that tripped me, aren't you?" the tiny girl asked, pointing at Namiko. Namiko stood up and pushed the girl's hand away.

"Nah, you just tripped over your own miserable ass!" Namiko yelled as she held the child up by her scarf.

"You!" the man started. "Get your filthy hands off of her!" he roared, almost sending the two girls flying.

The girl grinned at Namiko smugly, knowing she had won. Namiko didn't care. She punched the young girl in the skull and an air horn remix of "sad violin music" played in the background as she fell in slow motion.

Then the man with the glasses screamed.

Such a loud scream it was. It was one that echoed across the walls of the multiverse. People began to convulse, cats exploded, windows shattered, buildings collapsed and volcanoes erupted. By the time his short scream was over, it was too late. The damage had been done. Namiko was bleeding from strange places. Not just her; everyone in the room was.

Half an hour later, they had recovered from the scream. Namiko had left the premises and the man was talking to the tiny girl, in a lengthy explanation of why she shouldn't stoop down to Namiko's level.

"...As your personal trainer, I am never wrong. Which means I'm always right! So be a good child and you'll be Hokage in no t-" he explained but the girl was gone. "Where the hell did she go?" the man cried, running out of the room. "Honourable granddaughter!" he yelled.

The streets were, oddly enough, empty and desolate, the only sounds heard being Namiko's footsteps. Namiko thought she could hear an echo behind her but assumed that it was just because she was in a quiet place. Little did she know that the girl followed her.

A minute later, Namiko whirled around, shocking the girl into silence. "I know you're followin' me so show your face, ya cow!" Namiko yelled.

The small girl timidly poked her head out from the street corner she was hiding behind. "I just wanted to ask what your deal is," she said.

"Hm?"

"I am Kumiko the honourable granddaughter! But you still punched me!" Kumiko explained. "Why?"

"'Cause I don't give a shit about what you are," was Namiko's simple answer. She then turned back around and kept walking. Kumiko followed, intrigued.

"Hey, wait!" she cried.

*

After having a fun day, the two girls stood side by side, watching the sun set. They read yaoi manga, turned into hot guys and naked ladies, all while pissing Ebisu off. "Namiko, I need to tell you something," Kumiko said.

"Huh?"

"You better watch out! I'm gonna be the Hokage one day!" Kumiko announced.

"Yeah, i know. That's like, the first thing you said when I first saw you. It ain't as easy as y'think. There's lotsa strong ninja out there and you'll have to train super hard. Not to mention, we're both girls. We'd probably have to work harder than a boy to be acknowledged by people, 'cause, you know, all girls only exist to have children," Namiko sighed.

There was silence.

"Look, don't take any of what I said seriously. I was being sarcastic—" Namiko started.

"No, I know," Kumiko mumbled. "It just makes me mad that people actually belive that."

"Right. Anyway, I gotta go before it gets dark," Namiko said, somewhat sad about the fact that Kumiko understood what she was talking about. "Work hard and listen to your teacher, okay?"

"Yeah. See ya, boss," Kumiko replied.

The next day, Satoshi stood in his room, looking at himself in the mirror. He struck a few fabulous poses but was interrupted by his mum. "Satoshi, you're gonna be late for school!" his mum yelled from downstairs.

"Shut up, mum!" he yelled back.

"Nani?!" his mum screamed.

Satoshi had left through his own window without even putting his shoes on. He dashed through the streets, trying to get as far away as he could because he absolutely hated it when his mum got angry. He slowed down once he knew the scary woman couldn't get him and he began to walk calmy, going past a certain florist's. Ino had conveniently, inconveniently for Satoshi, just stepped outside. They were right near each other now. Satoshi quickened his pace. So did Ino, and it went back and forth between the two.

Meanwhile in the academy, Namiko had just arrived and Shikamaru sniffed at the sight of her. "Get outta here. This place isn't for dropouts," he commented.

"Oh yeah? You see this? You see this?" Namiko replied smugly, pointing at her forehead protector. Shikamaru sighed.

"And I thought I'd never see her again," he muttered and went to his seat. At the very back row, Hinata was staring at Namiko, just as a surprised as Shikamaru.

A few minutes later, Ino and Satoshi burst through the door at the same time, huffing and puffing.

"I was first!" the pair yelled.

"I won again, Satoshi," Ino chuckled.

"What the hell, no! My peepee was a tenth of an inch ahead!" Satoshi defended. By now, a few people were sighing, already tired of the boys' antics. Namiko was shaking. Satoshi directed his eyes towards her and gasped, before a smile appeared on his face.

_"He smiled at me! That shampoo sure made my hair on point today!"_ Namiko thought. The pink haired male ran down the steps towards Namiko's table.

"Hey—" said the blonde. Satoshi walked past her and instead dreamily looked at the person near Namiko. Sayuri. The local emo. Nobody could blame her though, because her big sister had murdered everyone in her clan. Right now her long, dark hair hung over her eyes while her elbows rested on the desk, fingers interlocked in front of her face.

Namiko could practically hear the Evanescence oozing from her, telling Namiko to wake her up.

"Hey, babe," Satoshi started but tailed off when he saw the look she gave him. He continued. "If I could arrange the letters in the alphabet I'd put U and I together," he said. Then he winked. Just to be sure.

Sayuri finally moved her hands from her face and said, "I don't even have to rearrange the alphabet to spell NO."

Hearing this, Namiko stared at Sayuri. The cutest boy was literally throwing himself at her. For the hundredth time. Plus, Sayuri was lowkey pretty. Actually, Namiko thought, highkey pretty. If Sayuri, in an unlikely scenario, did accept Satoshi's confessions one day then they'd be a cute couple. A few people giggled at what Sayuri said, including Ino. "Told ya she was outta your league!" laughed Ino.

Sayuri looked at Ino with her usual icy glare. "What league? You don't even have your own one."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BUUUURRRRNN!!" A random kid leedled.

"Shut your bitch-ass up!" someone replied to the kid.

"At least I don't have pink hair," Ino remarked, pointing at Satoshi's hair. "I bet it's dyed."

"Damn you! This is all natural!" Satoshi screamed and threw himself at Ino. They both fell to the floor, punching each other.

A few people tried to break it up but some of Ino's mates joined in and started kicking Satoshi, and then most of the class joined in. Girls were trying to stop their friends, boys were trying to break up the fight but failing, while Ino and Satoshi's mates were making it more chaotic. Everyone except Sayuri, Shikamaru, Chouji and Hinata were involved. Namiko had jumped in to protect Satoshi but she got lost in the tangle of arms and legs.

The Uchiha's only reaction was a scoff of indifference. _"Fools,"_ she thought, shutting her eyes. Sayuri felt a presence though, and opened her eyes again, looking up to see a beaten up Namiko crouched in front of her, staring into her eyes as if trying to figure something big out.

"Hey, Namiko, stop glaring at my girlfriend!" a bruised Satoshi yelled.

Ino's blue eyes narrowed. Did Satoshi just say "girlfriend?" A beat began to play in the background and a few people looked at Ino as if they understood. He winked and moved to the front of the room with his mates.

"Why the fuck you lyin', why you always lyin', mmm oh my God, stop fuckin' lyin'!" they all sang.

A kid was dancing along with them but he bumped into Namiko, resulting in her falling on Sayuri. Everyone went dead silent. Namiko and Sayuri were kissing. Well, not really. Their mouths had just painfully collided.

"Oh my God!" Kiba screamed, his eyes so wide they almost fell out of their sockets.

The two girls jumped back, gagging and choking. When they were finally silent, Namiko slowly turned her head to look at the class. Most of the boys had the same reaction as Kiba, but Satoshi and a few others were glaring daggers at her.

"What the hell? W-What shampoo does she use?" Namiko muttered, turning pink.

"I don't care if you're a girl. You're dead," interrupted Satoshi, cracking his knuckles.

"Shit. Why's Iruka-sensei late when ya need him?" Namiko sighed to herself before being beaten to a pulp.


	3. The dumbass thot, edgy bitch and depressed bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three most powerful beings of the ninja world unite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is basically Gai-sensei now.

"And Team Seven will be: Namiko Uzumaki, Ino Yamanaka and Hinata... What's it again?" Iruka asked.

Hinata couldn't hear him over the sound of his heartbeat. Ino was clenching his fists, angry that he was on such a shitty team. And Namiko.... where was Namiko anyway?

Narrator looked around at the crew. Something was going wrong. This wasn't meant to happen. Why was Namiko not on the scene? The Narrator took out a megaphone and yelled into it. "Calling Namiko Uzumaki to the scene! I repeat. Calling Namiko Uzumaki to the scene."

All the new genin covered their ears. "Can you not break the fourth wall, Narrator?" Iruka asked the omnipresent being also known as Narrator. "And stop talking about yourself from another point of view!" he snapped. Wasn't Iruka breaking the fourth wall too?

Namiko finally rushed into the class and sat down. Narrator slithered back to the script and the class began to talk once again.

"What the hell was that?" a kid grumbled.

"Woah," another one gasped.

"Aliens, oh-em-jee!" some noob posted on Ninsta.

"I pooped," someone else announced.

"Hey, sensei, how you doin'?" Namiko asked, smiling a little. Iruka sighed and began to read out the other teams. When he was done, he put down his paper and crossed his arms.

"Ino, Namiko and Hinata. Your sensei will meet you at the training grounds," he said after telling everyone else where to go first.

Ino glared at Namiko from across the room with such ferocity that she could have died. "I have to be on a team with Ino?!" Namiko screamed, ignoring the boy's death glare.

Iruka nodded with relish. "Yep. Forever," Iruka said with enunciation on the last part. He suddenly looked at Hinata as if he had just arrived. "And Hinata too."

"Fuck! Why am I the only girl?" Namiko sighed.

*

"Hello, my beautiful little students!" Kakashi, their sensei, boomed. "Let's have a youthful introduction!"

 _"I'll kill myself on the spot if he carries on like this,"_ Ino thought, trying not to fall asleep.

"You! The youthful looking one, what's your name?" Kakashi asked the trio. Everyone stayed silent. Who was the youthful one?

"Ay bitches, the name's Namiko Starlight Beauty Desu Destiny Raven Twilight Sugoi Desu Uzumaki the first. I like smokin' weed and gettin' high and eatin ramen. And I hate those ads that pop up when you're watchin' anime," Namiko began, over exaggerating to piss Kakashi off.

"That's very... youthful," Kakashi said and turned to Ino.

"My name is Ino Yamanaka, I like bullying people and buying cocaine with their lunch money, and I hate Satoshi and Namiko. I also hate it when celebrities make a whole album because of one break up," Ino said, trying not to giggle. He flipped his blonde hair for extra effect.

"Hey! Break up albums are the shit!" Namiko yelled indignantly at the boy. Kakashi looked at the two and shook his head.

"It looks like I'm going to have a hard time teaching them my ways," Kakashi sighed. He suddenly noticed that Hinata was there too.

"Well... My name is Hinata. I like reading manga and I also like creepypastas. I don't really hate anything, but I don't like fighting," Hinata said.

Kakashi sighed in relief. At least the introductions had ended positively. "I have some news for you young ones," he said, catching the trio's attention once again. "You have to pass another test. Youthful, isn't it?" Kakashi winked.

Ino and Namiko roared obscenities.

*

Kakashi handed the trio a paper from the Hokage's office. On it was some writing which read, "Mission: capture a guy who's on flakka. He's been terrorising people on the street."

Namiko smiled, but she looked dead inside from the bell test they barely passed a day ago, after graduating from the academy. The mission sounded fun cause flakka was one hell of a drug. Ino was sitting on a bench, shaking his head, and Hinata handed the paper back to Kakashi.

"You all ready?" Kakashi asked, flexing his bicep. There was no reply but Ino stood up with his back hunched. "Right, let's go," he said and leaped onto a nearby roof.

"Hey, wait!" Namiko screamed and ran after him while Hinata did the same.

"Mind transfer jutsu!" Ino thought, whatever the frick frack the jutsu was called. He went into the body of a roosting bird and flew around, hoping to find what they were looking for and go home.

Namiko looked around, listening for the sound of flakka-fuelled insanity, when a dirty hand grabbed her from behind and dragged her into an alleyway. Namiko began to scream and thrash around but stopped when she realised she found what she was searching for. At once, the hands let her go, and Namiko stared at the sight before her in horror. "What the hell?" she asked.

The person in front of her hissed. Never in her life had Namiko seen someone so old yet so young, so ugly yet so beautiful and so masculine yet so feminine. For some reason their eyes were torn out, but that wasn't the worst thing Namiko had seen.

"You're comin' with me!" Namiko proudly announced.

The person shrieked, their mouth opening to reveal the eyeballs that were missing from their sockets.

Namiko screamed and ran out of the alley.

*

Kakashi bit his lip and tried not to cringe or laugh. "So, my child, you're telling me that you saw an eyeless person in an alleyway and they were the one that we were looking for? Kids these days watch too much TV. Such youthful imaginations they have. I can't believe we failed so hard on our first mission," Kakashi rambled on.

"Kakashi-sensei, can I go home?" Ino asked, twiddling a loose string on his purple hoodie.

Kakashi stayed silent and looked back at Namiko to see her slumped over a doorstep, snoring.

"What the hell happened to her? What is this youthful child doing?" Kakashi questioned, making strange gestures with his hands.

"M-Maybe she's actually telling the truth and is in a state of shock because of it," Hinata piped up and everyone except Namiko stared at him like he was crazy. "I guess you're right. That would never happen," Hinata mumbled.

"We've been searching for five hours straight. We should be getting somewhere by now," Kakashi muttered, not as lively as usual.

Soon, they visited the Hokage in his office, who laughed his ass off when Kakashi gave him the news.

"L-M-A-O! You failed the easiest mission of all time! I'm cryin'! Oh my lord—" the Hokage laughed, but he quickly began to wheeze and his grey face turned red.

"He's having a heart attack!" Ino screamed hysterically and tried to do CPR. The Hokage coughed up something pink. It was a lung. Hinata fainted and Namiko posted a picture of Hiruzen on Ninsta from her fake acc.

She captioned the picture as "OLD MAN GETTIN REKT #ITS JUST A PRANK BRO #RATCHET REALM #LMAO".

*

"It's alright, guys, I shouldn't have laughed so hard," the Hokage muttered weakly in his hospital bed. He was strapped to a machine and everyone listened to his heartbeat in the silence of the room. At least, until Namiko spoke up.

"Sorry, I thought the whole thing was a prank," Namiko muttered. Hiruzen gritted his teeth and the machine beeped faster.

"A prank?! Did you not see my fucking lung explode?" Hiruzen wheezed, his face starting to turn red like last time. Kakashi gulped and looked over at his other two students, who were beginning to panic.

"Namiko, I think—" Kakashi started, anxious.

"Look, I didn't make your lungs explode, but I'm sorry for posting the pics on Ninsta!" Namiko cried.

"sAY WHAT BOI—" Hiruzen roared. The machine stopped beeping and instead there was an endless screeching sound, a straight line representing Hiruzen's heartbeat as he slumped forward. They all blinked. A medical ninja walked in, hearing the shout, when he saw the scene before his eyes. He fell to his knees and began weeping before crawling out of the room to alert others.

Ino gaped at the body of Hiruzen and then back to Namiko. Hinata shook his head in shame. Their first mission wasn't just a failure; it was a disaster, a tragedy. Hiruzen Sarutobi had died all because of Ino and Namiko. Kakashi tried to revive the Hokage with some lightning but it was too late, and, after realising this, he turned to Ino and Namiko, visible eye widened in anger.

"I told you so!" he raged, shaking the random fucking chandelier in the hospital room. "You're both dead!"

Fortunately, Iruka-sensei ran in. He shook his head in disbelief and looked away, tears in his eyes. After having a quick, quiet conversation with the angry Kakashi, Iruka looked back at Namiko and Ino, signalling for them to come with him. Hinata and Kakashi sat there looking SHOOK.

Iruka led Namiko and Ino to a secret chamber underground, letting out a disappointed sigh as he looked at the two over his shoulder. He was shocked. Speechless, to say the least. "This is bad," Iruka thought, putting a hand over his face and cringing.

Ino trembled. He really didn't mean to hurt Hiruzen. He was only following advice from his father, who told him that CPR could save a life. If Namiko hadn't angered the Hokage then he wouldn't have died like he did.

"W-What's gonna happen, Iruka-sensei?" Namiko quietly asked the question that Ino wanted answers to.

"I don't know," the man confessed. "You guys didn't physically harm the Hokage, but both of you were involved. If the elders find out then they might try to twist the situation to make it look like you purposefully assassinated him."

Ino shook his head. "What? Why would they do that? We're both just genin," he said, growing more afraid.

"Well," Iruka said, pausing, "Namiko's... not very popular in the village. I'm sure you know that by now. If anybody finds out she was there, then they'll blame it on her. Kakashi said he'd talk to the medic who saw you guys though."

"Like that'll work!" Namiko snapped. "That dude will snake me out and the next thing y'know is that I'm gettin' my head chopped off from a guillotine. If that don't happen then I'll probably be burned alive or beaten to death by all the villagers."

"Hey, you're kinda scaring me," Ino muttered. He'd never seen her this angry before. Not just angry; there was another feeling that Ino could sense slightly. Namiko didn't seem frightened at all. Either that, or she was good at hiding her emotions, which wasn't true.

"In fact, why don't'cha just kill me now?" Namiko continued, "It's not like I've got anything or anyone to live for—"

"Namiko!" Iruka yelled and slapped her face. This wasn't one of those anime slaps, no, this bitch slap _echoed_. She stared at him in shock.

"Don't say things like that! How do you think your team mates, your sensei, Ayame, Teuchi and I would feel if you died?" Iruka asked.

"Oh, shut up! Kakashi-sensei, Ino and Hinata all hate me, and the only reason Ayame and Teuchi are nice to me is 'cause I buy ramen from them!" Namiko growled and ran along the tunnel.

"Hey! That's not true!" Iruka cried, but she was gone.

"What do we do?" Ino asked a few moments later.

"Let's find her. Knowing Namiko, she'd probably do something reckless," Iruka wearily answered.

After running for a few minutes, Namiko sat down, her back against the wall. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. Iruka-sensei was right, but she still felt worthless all the time, which resulted in her lack of self respect and need for attention that she exhibited all the time.

She had taken it one step too far, however, making a mockery of Hiruzen and causing his heart to fail. She didn't mean it, but Namiko couldn't take any of it back.

The light shining in was grey, something which was rare in the leaf village. Namiko remembered learning about how writers used a technique in stories to express feelings through the weather. Pathetic something. Pathetic pancake? No; what the hell? Pathetic fantasy? Pathetic fallacy. Yee. Namiko wondered why it was called that.

She heard a few drops of rain begin to fall. Great. After a moment she sat up in shock, hearing the scuff of a footstep. She looked up to see Iruka-sensei, Ino behind him, holding out his hand for her. Namiko reluctantly took it.

"How'd you find me?" Namiko asked.

"You were sitting right outside the exit," Iruka sighed. "Look, Namiko, it's not all your fault he died. He was pretty old."

Namiko felt immensely guilty and hated herself even more. Why was Iruka-sensei trying to console her when he was feeling so miserable? It would be justified if he hated Namiko for what she did, but he didn't. It made her happy that he cared, but at the same time it felt like she was being stabbed in the heart. A terrible person like her didn't deserve Iruka-sensei's kindness.

"Since you two were responsible, you're going to have to accompany someone on a mission to find the new possible Hokage," Iruka explained once Namiko had wiped her tears away.

"Who's gonna be Hokage while we're gone?" Ino asked.

"Until you find them there'll be a replacement. One of Hiruzen's old comrades. His name is Danzo or something."

"Oh."

 


	4. The Queen of Karaoke

Rain fell heavily on the three visitors but they didn't seem to notice it. Namiko stood at the end of a jetty, peering at her reflection in the dark water before pulling a face and turning back to the two behind her: Ino and Kakashi-sensei, who was less youthful than usual.

"Come on, my children. We're almost there," the man spoke and the kids nodded obediently, walking back to Kakashi. They stepped off the jetty, closer to the houses near the docks where wooden boats were moored.

Ino put on a beanie and looked around for about the fiftieth time. Houses were falling down, windows boarded up with rotting planks of wood, and mould crept up the walls. Disgusted, he kicked a crushed can of beer into a pile of rubble.

"You sure this is the place?" Ino asked in skepticism, wrinkling his nose as he passed yet another overflowing trash can. Why would the new Hokage be in such a filthy area? "Where are we anyway?"

"I'll give you a hint. We're in a ghetto," Kakashi said.

"Hidden Mist," Ino guessed.

Namiko said nothing.

Kakashi didn't give Ino an answer and everyone went silent again. "So, uh... would you like to talk about any youthful times in your life?" Kakashi asked later, and the two children shuddered. Ew, no. Kakashi didn't speak again until they arrived at their destination.

The Gentlemen's club.

The wooden sign shivered as the wind viciously shook it, and Kakashi nervously pushed the door open to immediately be hit by the smell of cigarettes inside. He noticed that there were also wooden tables scattered around the vast room, and at the end of it was a stage. A woman with long, white hair and red streaks going down her cheeks stood atop it while bored looking guys in brown, grey and black suits watched the lady sing.

Namiko looked at the ground, somewhat afraid. She didn't really know why.

"Oh, yeah! I was walking down the street and I saw a chicken that was... purple?" the lady made a lame attempt at a song.

"So not youthful," Kakashi sighed, disappointed, as all the men in the room booed and threw cigarette butts at her.

"Bring back Orochiko! BRING BACK OROCHIKO!" they chanted and the white haired lady sighed.

"Orochiko has been gone for years, yet you're still complaining," she muttered, feeling slightly jealous of Orochiko's popularity with the dudes.

"I wanna leave," Ino said, tugging Kakashi's sleeve. The jounin laughed like Santa Claus for a few seconds.

"Nonsense! The village is depending on us right now. We can't back out," he said before suddenly appearing near the lady. "Hey, can we talk? In private?" he asked.

*

"So you came here to bring me to the leaf cause this kid killed the Hokage," she said, glancing at Namiko with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Namiko guiltily avoided her gaze.

"We also want you to be at his funeral," Ino piped up and the lady squinted at him.

"He hasn't been buried yet? Who the heck is in charge?" she asked.

"Danzo."

"Oh."

"So... are you coming?"

"No can do, my men need me," the lady explained. There was a cry of disagreement from inside but she expertly ignored it. "But, I know someone who can."

"Ugh," Ino groaned as they left the Gentlemen's Club. "We travelled all this way and she turned us down. Now we have to find some slug prince or whatever he is."

Because Narrator was too lazy to create a travel montage, the scene skipped to where the slug prince was.

"Well, this is awkward," Namiko muttered, finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Thanks, Narrator," Kakashi huffed, agreeing with the blonde, and the trio of ninja looked for the description that the lady gave them.

_"He's blonde like that kid with you. No, not the weird chick, I'm talking about the boy. Tsuna wears a long green jacket, so watch out for it," the woman explained._

_"Where do we find this youthful man? Where does he live?" Kakashi asked._

_"In the pub," she replied casually._

_"What? That unholy, unyouthful den of iniquity!" Kakashi shrieked._

They eyed the tables, searching for a blonde man. When they finally found him, he was losing in a game of Monopoly against a group of thugs who were grinning widely.

"Come on, guvner, give us the fifty quid you owe me and me lads," one said, grinning even wider.

"That's all I have. If you don't mind now, I have to go to a doctor's appointment. See ya later, Steve," Tsuna said, standing up purposefully. The thugs quickly grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back down into the chair.

"We know you 'ave it. Give us yer money and you'll be gone with only a boot up your arse," the thug's mate said.

"Seriously, that's all I have," the man replied. "I'm broke now."

"Then you're gonna die for wasting me time!" yelled the thug, throwing a punch at Tsuna. Tsuna dodged and grabbed the thug's hand, crushing the bones with a concentrated amount of chakra. The thug howled and fell to the floor, clutching his mangled hand in agony.

"I hate people like you who are eager to kill," Tsuna scoffed, glancing at the thug on the floor before looking at the goons following him. "Do you want to end up worse?" he asked. The goons contemplated this for about a second before coming to a unanimous decision. All of them lunged at the blonde but he swiftly evaded them all - until one guy with a huge kitchen knife came at him. By then Kakashi and the gang had processed the situation and took out two other thugs before grabbing Tsuna and getting the hell out of there.

*

"Big deal, I could have defeated them myself," Tsuna bragged, shrugging.

"Bitch, please," Namiko mumbled.

"Namiko, keep your youthful mouth shut!" Kakashi hissed.

"Oh dear, she's a feisty one," Tsuna muttered, shaking his head slowly. "What a pity."

"Yeah, she's pretty weird," Ino said, flipping his hair fabulously.

"Anyway, I have to go back to my lodgings at the inn. Goodbye," Tsuna announced, beginning to walk away.

"Wait! We have matters to discuss! There was a white-haired lady from before who said your name was Tsuna. You were the only replacement we could find. We'd like you to be our Hokage," Kakashi blurted out.

Tsuna paused. "Why would Junko recommend an irresponsible person like me?" he asked. His eyes widened. "Oh no. Hiruzen-sensei is dead, isn't he?"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Namiko grumbled, and then Ino and Kakashi slapped her.

Tsuna's frown deepened. "I've had it with you. If there's a whole bunch of kids like you in the Hidden Leaf then I'd rather get beaten up by thugs," he huffed.

"No, no, no, no! Give us another chance!" Ino yelled, knowing that Kakashi and Iruka would punish them for what happened if they failed because of Namiko.

"Fine," Tsuna contemplated. "If you show me that you can be a good ninja, I'll come with you to the Leaf."

"What? What do you mean by that?" the trio asked, but Tsuna had already walked into the inn.


	5. *Roblox death sound* Oof!

"Man, I hate this damn jutsu!" Namiko screamed, throwing a water balloon at Ino. It splashed all over his clothes.

"What the hell?" Ino exclaimed, jumping at Namiko. The two tried to pin each other to the muddy ground.

"Wow. You really are more hopeless than I thought," Kakashi moped, shutting his book and staring at the two grubby children.

"Ha!" Namiko yelled in triumph, shoving Ino's face down into the mud. "'Scuse me?" she asked, suddenly noticing Kakashi.

"Forget it, my youthful child," he said, handing Namiko another water balloon.

"What's the point of this stupid shit?" Namiko asked.

"If you can't explode a balloon with your chakra, my child, then you won't be able to do this," Kakashi said. A blue, rotating sphere of chakra appeared in his hand. He then slammed it into a tree and the shards and splinters sprayed everywhere.

*

Hinata sighed and walked around the Hyuga compound, bruised and winded after being destroyed by his little brother in a sparring session. His mother had given him her special Hyuga glare and told him that he was doing worse than expected. If he carried on like this he wouldn't be fit to lead the clan. Maybe his brother should be the one to do it. After all, Hinata was a thin boy, while his brother looked like a buff Chad.

Hinata sat down near a pond in the large garden and sighed, memories from a week before flashing through his mind. Namiko and Ino killed Hiruzen. Not intentionally, but it was still terrifying. After the shocking incident, Hinata was talked to by Iruka and Kakashi. They'd agreed to the old age excuse. After Namiko and Ino left the hospital, Kakashi patted him on the head and walked out.

"I wish she was here," Hinata sighed, flicking a pebble into the water with a plop sound.

*

Sayuri's doorbell rang for the millionth time and she stomped towards it, knowing who'd be there. Probably some dude that wouldn't leave her alone. She acted like she didn't care but it honestly pissed her off. Couldn't those meatheads take no for an answer?

"What?" Sayuri asked, opening the door to see Satoshi.

"Do you wanna go out with me?" he asked.

"No," she said, also for the millionth time, then shut the door.

Satoshi stared at it before sighing forlornly and walking away.

*

Hiruzen's and Mizuki's ghosts (Mizuki got killed in prison), were watching from above. The two were playing a game of snap.

"I wonder what that stupid-ass bitch is up to right now. Her name was Naruko or somethin'," Mizuki mumbled.

"Ah, you mean Namiko. She's the one that sent me here," Hiruzen sighed.

"For real? She's a beast," Mizuki tutted.

*

"You two remind me of myself and my team mate when we were young," Kakashi said emotionally, staring at the squabbling pair and gesturing wildly with his arms. Ino was trying to learn the water clone jutsu and Namiko kept laughing at him when he failed.

"Your team mate?" Ino asked, eyes lighting up.

"Yes, my child," Kakashi replied.

Namiko reminded him of his old frenemy Obiko. The two were quite similar, both being short tempered, annoying, and a bit dense, but also passionate about what they believed in. Kakashi watched Namiko sing loudly about sriracha shrimp and sighed.

Ino wasn't like Kakashi that much, but they both had disagreements with the idiot of their team.

And Hinata. Hinata always gave off sad vibes. Nobody in his team was sad. Well, his other teammate, Rin, was a bit. He was made fun of because he liked Kakashi.

Kakashi wondered how Hinata was doing. With two loud, overconfident jerks on the team, he'd been overshadowed and left out of the mission. Poor boy. He knew his life was hard as it was anyway, and now things had gotten worse.

"My poor, youthful child!" Kakashi cried loudly in pity, making a whole flock of birds fly away.

*

"The hell is this crap for?" Namiko asked, vigorously messing up her hair.

"You need to look presentable. Tsuna is going to meet us at Red Hot Noodlez tonight. This is serious, so no goofing around, okay?" Kakashi said, frowning at her.

Namiko grinned when she heard the word noodles. Ino uncomfortably pulled off the bow tie he was wearing, chucking it into a bin when Kakashi wasn't looking. When Kakashi turned back to the kids, they were fighting again. He hurriedly grabbed the two before they got their clothes dirty. Kakashi sighed. He felt like a single parent. No wonder his youth was fading.

Soon, they headed out to the small restaurant and met Tsuna, who was waiting for them at a table.

"This restaurant's pretty popular. They've even moved it outside the Hidden Leaf," Ino muttered, looking around as he took a seat.

"Okay, my children, you may order," Kakashi said in a holy voice.

Namiko gulped. "Shit, we weren't allowed before?" she muttered. She'd already ordered without Kakashi's permission. A second later, three bowls of Red Hot Noodlez were placed on the table. Tsuna looked down at the bowls before passing two to Kakashi and Ino. They screamed and breathed fire before rushing to rinse their mouths out, then sat back down at the table a few minutes later. Kakashi and Ino sighed when they saw Namiko eating the red noodles and drinking chilli sauce with no problem.

"Ugh. Don't rub it in my face," Ino groaned.

"Okay," Namiko said, then spat chilli sauce on his white shirt.

Kakashi gave the girl a death glare before nervously glancing at Tsuna's disapproving face. Ino stormed off to clean himself up while Tsuna and Kakashi spoke about topics like the village and what they were planning. They also discussed Hiruzen's death and when the funeral was planned. Tsuna was still a little pissed off with the kids, but he nodded, understanding.

A shrill scream silenced everyone. A woman in her mid twenties was being robbed by an old, dirty guy. They were playing tug of war with her handbag.

Namiko was secretly excited. She could save the handbag and the lady and prove to Tsuna that she was a true ninja. The blonde jumped out of her seat before Kakashi could do anything. She dashed towards the old man with her fist raised. "Get away from that lady, ya creep!" Namiko yelled, punching the old man. He went flying out the window, along with the bag.

"Shit!" Namiko cried, following.

The old man was scampering away with the bag, breathing heavily and making distance between them. Namiko didn't give up that easily and followed him, running on all fours since she found it made her faster.

"Thanks for helping me escape, honey," the old man said, grinning, looking back and showing his rotten teeth to her.

"Shut up," Namiko replied, used to creepy fuckers that were older than her saying weird shit.

The old man ran into an alleyway and disappeared into the shadows. Namiko followed and looked around, confused. He was gone. "Aw, nuts! A dark alleyway is most peoples' worst nightmares, includin' mine!" Namiko murmured to herself.

Suddenly, the man reappeared before her and pulled a ratchet out of his ass, one hand still holding the bag. "Don't worry, honey, it'll feel good after this," he giggled and raised the ratchet to knock her out.

"No!" Namiko yelled, frozen in fear.

Before the ratchet made contact with her, there was a clanging sound of metal against metal. Namiko looked up to see Kakashi in front of her, the back of his hand shielding her from the ratchet.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she cried.

"Don't even lay a finger on her. I'll risk my life for my students," Kakashi boomed, making the old man shiver and quake in his boots.

The old man whistled. All of his mates, presumably, jumped out of one trash can and surrounded them. Luckily for Namiko and Kakashi, Ino and Tsuna had turned up to help.

One ancient man with chains hanging from every part of his body lunged at Kakashi and the two began trading blows, while Namiko jumped the old man with the bag. He batted her away but Tsuna rushed forward, evading the other guys to get to it. He threw a hard punch at the old man. The old man then fell down bleeding and let go of the handbag. Meanwhile, a bunch of other old men, and even a few old ladies, surrounded Ino.

"Why me?" Ino cried as one dude in a dirty gi attacked him.

Now that Tsuna had the bag, all the hobos turned to him and licked their lips. The Sannin gulped nervously and Ino became distracted now that the attention was on Tsuna, letting the martial arts guy kick him hard in the stomach. This made the boy cry out in pain and fall down.

"Ino!" Namiko shouted in response to his cry, caught in the crowd of hobos.

Tsuna was frantically dodging axes, kunai, shuriken, spears, swords, saws, chainsaws and ratchets that the old people were carrying, when he tripped on a fallen kunai. One crusty man found his chance. He raised his rusty katana, bringing it down to plunge into Tsuna's heart.

Namiko jumped in the way just in time.

Instead of stabbing Tsuna, the katana went through Namiko and out of her back. Had it hit Tsuna, his heart would be pierced, but Namiko was a short child. The blade narrowly missed her heart. The point of it, covered in blood, was almost touching Tsuna's stomach. He stared at the patch of scarlet spreading over the red spiral on Namiko's clothes, staining the orange.

Everyone was silent and in shock. Partly because Namiko had jumped in the way, but also because of her eyes. Instead of their usual blue, they were a bright red colour, a demonic slit as a pupil. Even the whisker marks on her face had grown larger, looking like jagged scars creasing her skin. Her teeth had grown pointed and sharp — especially her canines. A heavy chakra hung in the air and Tsuna knew exactly what it was.

"Why?" he asked Namiko.

She didn't reply, staring at Ino's terrified face for what she thought was for the last time. She wished she could see Kakashi and Tsuna but they were behind her, and turning around would be too painful.

Everything went black for her.

Namiko then raised her hands, nails growing into claws, and grabbed the sword protruding out her chest. With a pained noise, she pulled it out and flung it to the side, blood and red chakra bubbling out the wound.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" she screamed in a voice that wasn't hers.


	6. [XxDemonGirl666xX has joined the game]

One word to describe the following events would be chaos. Shit went from zero to one hundred real quick. A fine spray of crimson rained over everyone, and before they knew it, Namiko had slaughtered many of the hobos around with her own chakra covered claws. Tsuna and Kakashi seemed to have a discussion through eye contact only. Ino jumped into Namiko's mind, only to leave a second later, screwing up his face in agony and screaming. Everything hurt. The wound left a sharp, deep ache in his chest and a lack of breath, and it felt as if he was burning on the inside, even though he had only been in her head for a second.

The raging girl hadn't grown a chakra tail yet but Kakashi feared that if she did then things would only get worse. "Hey! Snap out of it!" Ino cried, drenched in blood. He shoved Namiko and winced as his hands got burnt by the fearsome chakra, though it wasn't much of a surprise; it almost reminded him of lava.

"No! They're all gonna pay!" Namiko roared, releasing more of the red chakra and sending Ino, Kakashi and Tsuna flying back into pools of blood. By then a crowd had gathered, screaming and whooping at the gore.

"Namiko!" Ino shouted, louder and more desperate. "Stop it!"

 _"Damn. I should have been more cautious. The seal is already weakening, my youthful sensei,"_ Kakashi thought, shutting his eyes, trying to think of a way to stop Namiko.

Namiko turned on a hobo with an injured leg who was trying to hop away, but before she could kill him as well, Ino had got in her way, cowering and sniffing. "That's enough!" he sobbed.

Kakashi and Tsuna held their breaths, staying still and silent.

"Why are you defending that piece of shit?" Namiko growled. This time she sounded more like herself. It was almost as if some of her rage had ebbed away. Before Ino could reply, she continued. "Him and his group tried to stab Tsuna, they stabbed me, and they hurt you too!" she shouted, getting closer.

Ino threw a crushed soda can at Namiko to get her away from him and the injured hobo.

Namiko was enraged. Her chakra suddenly flared up wildly and sprouted two red tails.

"Shit!" Kakashi hissed as Namiko descended on Ino, ready to kill him.

Ino was sobbing, but that didn't stop him from crying out, "I was trying to help! When you c-come to your senses you'll regret this, you freaking monster!"

Namiko lowered her hand and stared at her sharp claws, then down at the wound near her heart. Then she fell back, unconscious, red chakra receding into her stomach.

"We have to leave," Tsuna whispered, luckily catching the girl and holding her up from under her arms.

"Yes," Kakashi mumbled, feeling useless. He wished he'd been able to protect Tsuna and save Namiko before she went on a rage fuelled killing spree.

"Agreed. This is gonna l-look bad when the p-police turn up. Namiko just... killed these people," Ino muttered, wiping some blood, sweat and tears off his face, but only making it dirtier.

Kakashi took Namiko from Tsuna's arms and signalled for him and Ino to follow. Then they sprinted through the streets, grateful that it was dark outside so people wouldn't see their faces that easily. The crowd gasped and then relaxed after seeing that the team had no interest in them.

*

Ino rolled onto his side on the floor and looked at Namiko, who was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful, but not long ago she looked angrier than a demon. He couldn't return to the inn with Kakashi after that incident so they had to wait outside in the forest for Namiko to gain consciousness. Kakashi wanted to check on her before they left for good.

Ino cringed. Not only was he lying on some dirty floor, but his previously white shirt he had worn for the occasion was now a brown colour from the dried blood, and his old clothes were at the inn. Thinking about their deaths made him want to vomit. At least Namiko got to wear her orange jacket to the restaurant.

Tsuna was using a random senbon as a toothpick and Kakashi slowly flipped through his book in a tree, invested in it as if he was reading some emotional Shakespeare play or some other shit.

Namiko's eyes suddenly opened and Ino's ones grew twice as large as they usually were. She sat up, everyone staring in silence, and looked down at her bloodstained clothes. "Oh," she simply said, wincing.

"Does it hurt?" Kakashi asked, focusing the tear in her orange jacket, when he realised that he had asked a stupid question. Thankfully, Namiko's wound had stopped bleeding so Tsuna didn't even have to heal anything. That was the Nine Tails for you.

"No, not the stab," Namiko answered. "But... my mind hurts, if that's possible."

Ino blinked. That whole-ass katana had come out of her back but she was saying that it didn't hurt? Ino wanted to ask what the hell that red chakra was and how it saved her life, but didn't feel that it was the right time.

Kakashi and Tsuna glanced at each other, at a loss for words. They didn't know what would be the right thing to say. "This only happened because you wanted to protect me," Tsuna finally sighed. "Come on now, let's head home."

Namiko looked shocked. "You're comin' to the Leaf with us?"

The blonde man smiled. "After what you did for me, I'd be a fool not to," he said, nodding at Kakashi, who leapt down from his tree and stretched.

"You think you're ready to go, my youthful child?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah," Namiko said, smiling weakly. Kakashi put the protesting girl on his shoulders as she yelled that she could walk on her own.

*

"Woah, bro, you're back," Gai-sensei sighed, though his eyes widened at the sight of all the blood. One of his students, a girl who wore similar, green clothes, trudged towards the group and shook Ino's hand.

"Nice to meet ya," she yawned.

Ino gulped and blinked rapidly, staring at her glossy black hair, green bra and perfect eyebrows. Namiko, who was perched atop Kakashi's shoulders, raised her eyebrows before glancing at Gai's other students. They were just standing back, idly conversing with each other, though they both looked tired, too.

One of them was a girl with the same eyes as Hinata, and she had long, brown hair and a short sleeved, beige jacket on. The last one was a boy with brown, slightly curly hair. He was wearing a pink top that had no sleeves.

"They're cute," she mumbled, and Kakashi chuckled, placing the blonde on the ground.

"So, my rival! Let's have a competition, eh? Me, the handsome copy ninja, and you, the ugly Satan of the Leaf! Youthful, isn't it?" he offered, feeling youthful now that he was back home. Gai shook his head slowly.

"Nah, we have to train," Gai said, nodding towards his students.

Tsuna coughed loudly to indicate that he was there. "Let's go, it's almost light," he said, pulling Kakashi's arm.

"Alright. Danzo won't be too pleased, though," Kakashi sighed. "Next time, my rival." He waved bye to Gai and his team.

*

"Hey Lord Hokage, we—" Kakashi began but his jaw dropped at the sight before his eye. Danzo was smoking weed with the spirit of Mizuki, Hiruzen, and the First and Second Hokage, while the Fourth was nowhere to be seen.

"Uh... I can explain," Danzo said.

 


	7. A late night trip to Konoha Fried Chicken

"Uh... I can explain," Danzo said while everyone stared in stunned silence. The First and Second Hokage's spirits went back to wherever they came from and Hiruzen's and Mizuki's stared back, still smoking.

"How dare you smoke weed in this village," Tsuna roared, while Kakashi wiped away a tear, glad that he had chosen a man who abided by the rules to become Hokage. "Without me!" he continued, and the copy ninja fainted.

Danzo mumbled something, but Mizuki was the one to answer. "Who tha fuck are you?" he jeered, moon walking in midair.

Namiko gave him the middle finger and looked at the Third Hokage. "Sorry for killin' you," she muttered, ashamed.

"It's all right. At least I don't have to live with the pain of arthritis, osteoporosis and crippling depression anymore," the old man sighed, then floated away, Mizuki following soon after.

"Danzo, I believe your time as Hokage is over," Kakashi started purposefully. "You know Tsuna, don't you? He's one of the legendary Sannin. He'll be in charge now."

Tsuna nodded in greeting, but Danzo's visible eye narrowed.

"If he wants the position of Hokage, then he'll have to fight me for it," Danzo growled, dramatic violins singing in the background as he slowly moved his hand into his kunai holster. Ino, Namiko, Kakashi and Tsuna gasped in unison. "In a Pokémon battle!" Danzo yelled excitedly, pulling some Pokémon cards out of the holster instead of kunai.

Tsuna's honey brown eyes narrowed, before he pulled a plastic chair out of his butt and sat on it at Danzo's desk. "Bring it on," the man snarled, then went blank after. "But first, tell me how you play," he said.

"I wanna be Agumon," Namiko said to piss Danzo off.

"That's a Digimon, not a Pokémon, you dipshit."

*

"Are you okay?" Ino asked once they left the Hokage building. Namiko eyed him suspiciously and glared at the floor.

"Why would you care?" she attacked.

Ino sighed deeply. "You got stabbed through the chest and killed a bunch of people. I don't really know you that well, but I'm still concerned," he explained. Namiko looked back up at him, her blue eyes getting wider. "Does... Does it hurt where Hobo Joe stabbed you?"

Namiko suddenly burst out laughing at the ridiculous nickname, shocking the Yamanaka. She laughed so hard that she rolled on the floor, all while Ino stood there, staring. "Dude, it's not that funny," the boy said.

"I know. But it's better than crying," Namiko replied, lying flat on her back as she stared up into the sky. "I'm just flippin' tired. And hungry." She rubbed her belly and sighed, though she thought of an idea. "I got some money on me, so let's go to Ichiraku's."

"You want me to come with you?" Ino asked, confused.

Namiko smiled, but she didn't look very happy. "I just wanna make up for ordering that chilli noodle stuff, spittin' it on you and almost murderin' you. Also, I'm scared to go out at this time by myself. It's deadly," she answered, sitting up and then standing back on her feet.

"'Kay, but it's super late," Ino sighed. "Ichiraku's probably ain't gonna be open at this time."

They went to Konoha Fried Chicken instead. Namiko spoke while Ino nodded a few times, looking around the dark, empty streets. "So, where was I?" Namiko stopped talking because she had forgotten. "I'm on a diet right now, so I can't eat too much," she remembered, continuing on until they arrived. After ordering and ignoring the terrified stares (they were covered in blood from the hobos), they left the building. Ino had four chicken wings and Namiko had a whole bucket.

"I thought you were on a diet," Ino commented.

"I am. Somethin' wrong with that?"

Ino blinked, but didn't say anything. He shook his head and smiled.

Meanwhile, Danzo ran out of the Hokage office, crying and mopping up his tears. Tsuna won against his best Pokémon! How? How could he beat Danzo's God level Pidgey? "I'll get my revenge!" the man cried. "Then one day I'll get some recognition!"

*

"Right. The funeral is in two days time," Tsuna concluded, waving his hand as the Anbu flew out the building, even though there wasn't any way for them to jump out cause the windows and doors were closed.

Kakashi yawned and shut his book, looking at the clock. It was almost six in the morning and he had some business to take care of. "Well, I gotta go. I visit Obiko's memorial stone every Tuesday, I drink paint on Wednesdays—" he began, but Tsuna raised his hand to silence the man.

"Get some rest. Don't start pestering Gai to have a competition with you," he ordered.

"Okay!" Kakashi said and saluted. Then he ran to Gai's house. "Hey, Gai! Wanna spar?"

Gai opened his window with an irritated look on his face. "I need my beauty sleep," he said and shut the window. A tear leaked out of Kakashi's eye.

He saw a frightened looking Namiko passing him, an empty bucket of chicken on her head. Kakashi didn't question her because after all, he was the guy who drank paint on Wednesdays. It wasn't up to him to judge her for whatever she was doing out of ninja duty as long as it wasn't a crime. Kakashi still followed her anyway. He couldn't just ignore a child, especially his student, walking around so late at night when no one was around. He made sure she entered her small flat safely and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Namiko unlocked her door and used the empty bucket as a trash can to put some chewing gum wrappers in. She switched on the lights, looking around as if she was worried something would jump out at her. Namiko then sat on her bed, zipped open her jacket and raised her shirt to inspect the scar right where her heart would be. She gingerly poked it and winced, realising that it was still not completely healed. Namiko looked at all the blood on her clothes and on her skin before sighing.

Even if she washed it off herself, she couldn't wash it out of her mind.

 


	8. Sad viogline muzik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Konoha kids attend a funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rock Lee: Rock Rihanna  
> Neji: Nori  
> Tenten: Tenji

 

Chouji sat on a random gravestone, chewing chips — literal fried sticks of potato, because Chouji is British — and getting crumbs and ketchup all over himself.

"Stop dropping your shit all over the grave, you fatass," Namiko grumbled, irritated by the sound of him chewing. At this, Chouji's usually closed eyes opened wide and he stood up.

"What did you just call me?" he asked, voice quiet but deadly.

"... A fatass," the blonde replied.

"Shut up or I'll rip your body to shreds!" Chouji screamed, enraged.

"Bro, don't!" Ino yelled, jumping between them.

" _NO_!" Kakashi thought, thinking about the shocking moment when his glowing arm pierced through the boy who had suddenly jumped in his way.

Meanwhile, Chouji shoved Ino in the chest. Ino was just about to fall back on Namiko when Kakashi screamed a youthful scream and let the Yamanaka fall into his arms. "I'll protect you, Ino!"

"You probably shouldn't call Chouji fat again," Ino muttered to Namiko, lying on Kakashi.

"Sorry," she replied.

Chouji's ears twitched. "Ino, did you just say the _f_ word?" he growled. Ino and Namiko gulped.

Hinata turned up in his black funeral clothes looking tired, but overall he was pretty happy, because he had been informed that Ino and Namiko were back. It had been _centuries_ since he last saw her.

Almost two weeks, to be exact.

Hinata glanced around the tombstones and saw a blonde girl wearing black clothes and a big fat blob. Yes, the black thing was certainly Namiko, though when he got closer however, what he saw was not a pretty sight. The blonde girl had shoved a whole bag of jellybeans up Chouji's— Never mind. That sight was so disturbing that not even I, the ever so tedious Narrator, could say it.

"Hi, N-N-Namiko," Hinata muttered, glancing down at the floor once she looked at him. He blushed when he noticed something. No, not Kakashi crying over an angry Ino, but that Namiko was smiling. At him? Hinata looked behind just to make sure.

"Good to see ya," she replied and Hinata fainted. Ino giggled, but looked up when another Hyuga arrived. She glanced at the wimpy Hinata and scoffed in contempt.

"C'mon Nori, why d'you always get like this when ya see him?" Tenji, the boy from the last chapter, whined and waved his arms around the air, but squeaked suddenly when Kakashi threw himself on the ground before him.

"You look just like him before he died," Kakashi cried. Tenji screamed for Nori to help him, but he was then kicked between the legs by the bra-wearing girl with perfect eyebrows from last chapter. She yawned as he fell down.

"Ah was tryna' get my beauty sleep, Tenji," she sighed.

"Why, Rihanna, why?" Tenji gasped and fell to his knees.

" _These guys might not look like freaks, but they sure do act like it!_ " Namiko thought, sitting down near Ino's soggy self while Kakashi started chasing the newly recovered Tenji, who was screaming and chucking weapons around.

Ino glanced at Namiko and his eyes widened. She was wearing shorts?! "Idiot, I have to wear this for the funeral," Namiko muttered as if she had read his mind.

"Oh," Ino said.

He looked at her again and also noticed that she was squeaky clean. How did she manage to get the hobo blood off her so well? "I used bleach," Namiko muttered, reading Ino's mind again.

"Geez, why don't you just join the Yamanaka clan while you're at it?" Ino joked, and Namiko gave him a weird look.

A few minutes later a group of random chunin came in, followed by Sayuri and her crowd of fanboys trailing behind. "Hey, you creeps! Leave Sayuri alone!" Namiko yelled at the thirsty-ass guys following Sayuri. They growled and took out their shanks.

"You're gonna get messed up," Ino whispered, somewhat afraid. "Those guys look a few years older than us."

"Exactly, so why are they droolin' all over her?" Namiko grumbled.

"'Cause they're gross," Ino said and suspiciously glanced over at them. "They've got their knives ready, so just stay away from Uchiha, got it? I don't want another funeral to happen today." Namiko didn't seem satisfied with his answer.

She frowned. She would say she hated Sayuri for her cold attitude and for the fact that she stole all of Satoshi's attention, but she didn't like the idea of her being harassed everyday. Namiko stood up.

"Namiko, wait!" Ino hissed, but she didn't listen.

She limped over to Sayuri, who was sitting down, leaning on a gravestone. Teenage boys were standing around nearby in clusters. Namiko crept around them and sat in front of Sayuri.

"What do you want?" Sayuri asked.

Namiko tried to put her thoughts into words and she finally spoke. "You okay?" she asked Sayuri.

"Why're you asking? I'm not obligated to—" Sayuri questioned.

"Shut up and answer me first," Namiko pressed.

"No. Does it look like I'm okay?"

"Does it have anythin' to do with them?" Namiko asked, pointing at the guys nearby.

Sayuri, with a glare, reluctantly nodded. "There's not much I can do about it, though. I don't even know why I'm talking about this to someone like you," she said.

"I'm just tryna help."

"Well you can't. In situations like these, I'm just as weak and pathetic as you are," Sayuri admitted.

"I ain't weak and pathetic!" Namiko snapped.

"How so?"

"Don't change the subject!"

Namiko trembled. Yep, she did hate Sayuri. How she twisted things around and avoided things she didn't want to discuss. This always happened on the rare occasions in the academy that the two would talk to each other.

Namiko was just about to continue speaking when she felt a hand on her shoulder and sniffed the scent of fake-ass cherry blossoms. "Satoshi?" she gasped, turning around.

"Look, I don't know what you're doing, but you should leave Sayuri alone," Satoshi said to Namiko, but turned when he felt a hand on his shoulder too.

"Leave her alone? Maybe you should take your own advice. Namiko was tryna make sure she's okay," Ino hissed.

" _Oh_ ," Satoshi said, glancing at Namiko and then back to Ino. "You've finally realised that you aren't good enough for Sayuri! Have fun with your ratchet new bae, before my boys and I wreck your bitch-asses," Satoshi tutted.

"Hey!" Namiko said.

"Shut up! I only pretended to like Sayuri cause all the other boys would call me gay if I didn't!" Ino roared. "So fuck off, Billboard-brow!" He threw himself at the pinky.

"Ino-pig!" Satoshi shrieked. There was a huge fight. Again. This time it was more large scale than a simple academy scrap.

Sayuri's fanboys rushed poor Ino, who tried his best to fight them off. Tenji ran into the crowd to lose Kakashi but ended up being pummeled. While this was happening, Nori chucked Hinata's body into the crowd. What a cold hearted monster.

Chouji, getting tired of this shite, pulled the bag of jellybeans out of wherever Namiko shoved them up and threw them at everyone. Rihanna shouted about her beauty sleep being interrupted and Shikamaru seemed to agree when he turned up and got sucked into the fight.

At first, the random chunin tried to break it up but one of them was kicked by a flailing leg and they all got involved, making the crowd grow bigger. Shino jumped in willingly, enjoying the drama while it lasted.

Then the crowd suddenly parted, leaving an empty circle where Sayuri and Namiko were standing. "Fight, fight, fight, fight!" the crowd chanted. The two girls circled each other half heartedly.

"This sucks ass. I'll fight when I wanna fight! Not 'cause of those losers," Namiko muttered, not in the mood.

"Yeah," said Sayuri. "I'll kick your ass when I feel like it."

"This cat fight is shit!" a chunin booed and shoved Namiko hard, so hard that she crashed into Sayuri. The crowd saw that they were kissing again. Well, not really. Another painful collision. Bloody hell, this was the second time. Namiko opened her eyes and quickly jumped away, afraid that Sayuri would attempt to kill her for bruising her.

Thankfully, Sayuri was frozen in place.

Everyone was silent until Kiba spoke. "What the fuck!" he screamed, his face bright red.

"This brings back memories," Ino sighed as Sayuri left the scene. "Let's go. It's time for the funeral," he said.

"Yeah," Namiko sighed, trying not to remember Hiruzen's death.

*

"The Third Hokage was an inspiration to us all. He was kind, caring, generous, strong, handsome—" a guy read from a script.

"Oi, get to the fackin' point, ya fat cunt!" someone in the audience screamed.

"Okay. Does anybody have any last words before we set Hiruzen's body on fire?" the guy asked everyone. A few people stood up and spoke about how the Hokage had inspired them, and finally a blonde girl raised her hand to indicate that she was going to speak. A few people booed and chucked cans at her as she walked up to the front.

"Look, I know he was the Hokage, but we should be honest at his funeral, cause that isn't respect. Hiruzen Sarutobi was a weed smoker — which isn't really a bad thing cause it helped take away some of his pain — and quite the pervert to boot," Namiko began but the guy gave her a look. "But he was a good guy," she concluded.

So, Hiruzen was set on fire, and a few raindrops started to fall from the dark clouds. As the rain got heavier, people began to cry from the montage of Hiruzen playing along with sad music.

The rain got to a point where a few ninja had to breathe more fire on Hiruzen's body, though soon, he was nothing but ashes. Namiko saw his ghost, sitting on his new gravestone and smoking from his pipe. They gave each other a sad smile, before the former Hokage faded away.


	9. This is so sad Alexa play Despacito

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new emo arrives in Konoha and Anko makes an early appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Temari: Tetsuya  
> Kankuro: Kaede  
> Gaara: Gaia

 

"Hey girl! It's been ages!" Kumiko cried, giving Namiko a big hug. "I've really improved!" she exclaimed and transformed into a hot naked lady. Suddenly, she was kicked hard in the side and fell to the floor.

"What the hell?" Ino said, shook, looking at the person who kicked Kumiko.

A brown haired girl with broad shoulders (and, may I add, large boobs) loomed over the small child and Kumiko screamed in fear. The girl wasn't actually that scary, but she was was wearing something that resembled a nun's habit and purple paint on her face, which was a sight to give any child a nightmare. "Tetsuya, wanna have some fun before li'l sis gets back?" she asked the boy with sandy coloured hair standing behind her.

"Who are you freaks and why are you in the Leaf?" Namiko asked, standing defensively between Kumiko and the large girl before Tetsuya could even give an answer.

"We're here for the exams, bitch," the girl scoffed, grabbing Namiko by the collar of her orange jacket and surprisingly managing to hold her up in the air.

"Kaede, stop," a low voice said, making Kaede drop Namiko and stand up straight.

Everyone, including Namiko's team, looked up at the mysterious person to see a girl with a giant peanut on her back, hair a crimson red, bright green eyes contrasting with the smoky black eye shadow she was wearing. She stood above them on a tree branch and jumped down.

Namiko almost started drooling but she quickly shook her head in shame before wiping her mouth. "Great. A second emo," she sighed, acting like she hadn't just been staring for a whole minute. The red haired girl's eyes narrowed, making Tetsuya and Kaede noticeably shiver.

"Come on, Gaia, don't kill anyone just yet," Tetsuya muttered, dragging her away with Kaede, each holding onto a pale arm.

"I'm gonna kill you," Gaia mouthed to Ino, Hinata and Namiko when her siblings weren't looking.

*

All the genin were gathered around the stairway in the academy while two little shits with hoodies on and joints in their mouths stood in the way, blocking the door and smirking. "The exams are rough. I saw this girl twerk so hard that her head flew off. You don't wanna go there," one of them warned.

"Twerking my head off sounds good to me," Namiko said and did a sad thumbs-up because it sure beat getting impaled on a katana.

Sayuri walked in with her team, consisting of Shino, Chouji and herself. "Let us go to the four-hundred and twentieth floor," she said in her cool voice, making most of the boys and one girl's eyes widen at the sound.

Tenji, who was standing nearby, sighed, "Damn, Daniel. She's cute."

Nori rolled her eyes at this. Did he just unironically say "Damn Daniel"?

Similarly, Shino wasn't affected by the girl, and Chouji just looked scared as he noisily chewed his chips — fried sticks of potato, because CHOUJI IS BRITISH.

"What are you talkin' about? This is the four-hundred and twentieth floor," the other guy in the hoody scoffed. "Geez, do all the hot ones have to be so stupid?"

"Actually, this is definitely the four-hundred and nineteenth floor," Shino spoke up. "Not that I was counting or anything," he murmured nervously.

"What kind of fucking school has four-hundred and twenty floors anyway? Ugh," some edgy kid grunted.

Sayuri made the illusion disappear and the sign on the door changed from four-hundred and twenty to four-hundred and nineteen. Shino was right.

"Wow; You literally counted all the floors. Good eye, man. You could probably snipe someone down from a mile away," Namiko said to Shino, making everyone gasp.

"Namiko, you _dumbass_!" Ino yelled, grabbing her and shaking her hard. "Sayuri's big sister sniped everybody in the Uchiha clan except her!"

Ino then gulped when he saw the look that Sayuri was giving him: a mixture between rage and shock. He probably shouldn't have said that so loud because all the genin in the hallway had heard and were now talking about it.

"I'm coming for your asses in the exam," Sayuri hissed after a long silence, shoving past the guy in the hoody before walking through the doors they were guarding. Shino followed while Chouji waddled off to find Shikamaru.

"What did I do to get a death threat from her?" Hinata whined.

"She ain't gonna do shit to you," Namiko said boldly, "I won't let her."

*

Rock Rihanna did a back flip and landed flat on her face, slowly standing back up and limping towards Sayuri. "So, you're the famous Uchiha, eh?" Rihanna asked once she was near the girl.

"What's it to you?" Sayuri growled, trying to walk away.

Rihanna pulled her back. "Let's brawl," she said.

"What, like, right now? You're only wearing a bra and leggings," Sayuri commented.

"That makes stuff all the more interestin'. Let's get down an' dirty." Rihanna grinned.

Shino watched as the girls kept bickering, and he sat down on the floor. The fight finally started after the girls stopped talking about geniuses and bras in (May I add) poetic ways.

Sayuri rushed forward and Shino was _SHOOK_. Damn, she was fast, but that didn't seem to be enough to stop Rihanna.

"Power of Illuminati!" Rihanna yelled after dodging, making a triangle sign with her hands over one eye. Then she separated them and reconnected them back around Sayuri's neck, choking her. "Lion's barrage!" she added, performing a complicated set of kicks before flinging Sayuri to the floor in a painful collision.

" _Holy Mother Teresa on the hood of a Mercedes benz, SHE NEEDS SOME MILK,"_ Shino thought.

Poor girl. She was the only Uchiha left and she lost to a random girl in less than a minute.

*

"My name is Ibiki Morino; I'm the proctor. Now that all you little shits are gathered here, it's time for part one. The written exams," Ibiki explained.

" _Shit, shit, shit! I can't do that!"_ Namiko thought, rapidly jogging her knee up and down as she sat still.

"If you try to cheat you'll get the capital punishment: Death," Ibiki said, grinning.

"Well then—"

The examiners, who looked fresh as hell in their shades, handed out the papers to everyone. Namiko read the first few lines and smirked. It wasn't as cool as Sayuri's smirk, but it was okay.

**_Answer all these questions right_ **   
**_and you be ratchet AF_ **

" _Bitch, Ratchet is my middle name,"_ Namiko thought, chuckling to herself.

_**1)** _   
_**a) Where and when did the last street fight happen?** _   
_**b) Was the camera vertical or horizontal when it was filmed?** _   
_**c) Why was there a fight in the first place?** _   
_**d) In the video, someone throws a bowl at someone else's head. If the bowl is thrown from an angle...** _

" _Smh, these bitches think they smart."_ Namiko sighed, not bothering to read the rest, and wrote down her answers.

_A] last fite woz outsyd ichirkus. it hapened 2 days ago_   
_b) verticl, the fuck do u tink_   
_C) they woz fightin over who got da last peace of menma. i hate menma. p.s. XXX Teyuchi i luv u, respekt man_   
_d) tha bol will hit the ceeling_

It was very easy for Namiko, which was a huge surprise since a whole bunch of smart people were struggling. Nobody dared to cheat or they'd die. Well, that was what Ibiki said. Nobody wanted to test him.

The test carried on for a while more and finally, Ibiki cleared his throat. "We still have one question left. If you can't answer it, then let's just say you won't live," he said, scanning the genins faces to see their reactions. "If you want to quit and be safe, then you can raise your hand." Something flashed in Ibiki's eyes. "But your team mates must leave, too."

Fourteen people raised their hands in a nanosecond. Once they left with their team mates, Ibiki turned towards the remaining genin.

"The last question is," he said, and paused for suspense. "Are you metal enough to want to answer the last question? You all are. So you pass!" Ibiki roared.

Everyone whooped and cheered but turned silent when the window shattered, sending shards all over the place. A woman wearing a huge jacket landed on the floor before giving everyone a huge grin. "Alright, maggots! You ready to go to the next level? The Nightclub of Death!" she said loudly.

"Yee!" replied everyone.

"That's the spirit!" she yelled. "Whatever the fuck a yee is." That last part was mumbled to herself. "Anyway, my name is Anko Mitarashi! I'm your proctor for the next sixty-nine hours!"

"Ahem," Ibiki coughed. "You're a little early."

"I am?" Anko asked, turning pink with embarrassment. "Aw, shit. I tried so hard as well."

"Oh my God, this is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito," some kid in the back said.


	10. H-Hi m'lady! *blushes and tips fedora*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a creep in this chapter, just a heads up.

Anko led the genin through an underground tunnel until they got to the end, a room full of computers and strange machines. "Sign these sheets with your full name, age, rank and other important stuff," the purple-haired woman said as she handed everyone some paper and pens. When the genin weren't looking, she slid a mixtape in the pocket of one person from each team.

"What's this sheet for?" a girl from the hidden grass asked, pointing at one that was a different colour from the rest.

"What's this sheet for? You sign the agreement so if one of the hobos inside the club do anythin' to you then we won't get in trouble for it," Anko explained in a matter of fact way.

"Ew.The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I wanna leave!"

"Pervs!"

There were a bunch of other cries like this, and Anko shook her head slowly.

Hinata gulped and glanced at his two team mates, lowkey wanting to quit. If he did, however, his team mates and mother would get angry. Hinata did not want to let anybody down.

Ino and Namiko stared indifferently at seemingly nothing and Hinata's pale eyes widened at how close they were standing next to each other. It was probably unimportant.

"Hobos, am I right?" Ino quietly asked Namiko, glaring from the memory.

"Yeah," said Namiko, even more quiet than Ino, glancing down at where her scar would be.

Some people soon rage quitted and only a few teams remained. "Whatever," Anko scoffed. "They didn't have what it took to be ghetto anyway. Fucking wimps—" Anko realised that there were young people around her. "I don't care about what your mum and dad tell you. If you don't like me swearin' then you can fuck off," she added, grinning darkly so people would take the hint.

"You think some words can scare me? I ain't runnin' from no one!" Namiko answered and threw a fist in the air. Anko chucked a kunai at her and it narrowly missed, cutting her cheek. "Ow! The hell is wrong with you?"

A creepy, slightly underweight man with greasy black hair had somehow caught the kunai from its handle with his extremely long tongue. He had the symbol of the hidden grass village, Kusagakure, on his forehead protector.

"I believe this belongs to you," he rasped, extending a slimy tongue towards Anko, who took the kunai like it wasn't covered in hidden grass ninja drool and little girl blood. Then Anko licked Namiko's blood off the kunai and smiled.

"Nice," she whispered. "Line up in that box outline on the floor. I need to count you all," Anko ordered after the genin handed in their sheets, and soon, they all stood inside the box. Anko pressed a button on a control panel, making the floor open up where the box outline was, and, with a scream, the genin fell into the abyss.

*

Everything was dark until a small screen appeared in front of them and their proctor's face faded in. "Welcome to the Nightclub of Death! You'll be in here for the next sixty-nine hours so beware of the creepy guys, the hobos, and the bowl of fruit punch!" Anko explained. She leaned closer to the camera, making her face look bigger on the screen, then moved one hand to the side of her mouth. "Somebody got drunk an' puked in it," she added.

"Ew!" everyone except Gaia shrieked.

"Anyway, the goal of this part is to have two mixtapes once the sixty-nine hours are up," Anko continued. "Each team has either the black or white mixtape. If you have black, then the second one must be white, and vice versa. You can do anything to get the other mixtape, including killing people!"

"Damn, these proctors really have a thing for death!" Kaede booed, waving her fist around.

"That's what makes it good! Bye, maggots, and good luck, cause you're gonna need it!" Anko roared, disappearing with the screen. Alone in the computer room, she sat down on a spinny chair and smiled to herself. "Maybe I should have brought some popcorn with me," she muttered.

A whole bunch of lights flicked on and everyone saw that they were in another tunnel, a few more different tunnels on either side branching to different exits, neon lights flashing at them about fifteen metres away.

Through a hidden speaker, they heard Anko start counting. The exits began to close. Everyone sprinted when they realised what was going on. Unfortunately, a few ninja didn't make it and were left behind as the door slammed shut.

" _Some people have already lost before it's even properly started. This really is serious,"_ thought Sayuri.

The mother of all dance floors was in the middle of the room, about fifty metres long and wide, with music so loud that people could barely hear themselves. "Why are they playing heavy metal inside a disco?" Ino asked, having to scream over the music, frowning.

"That's not heavy metal. It's actually suicidal progressive satanic black rapcore metal!" Namiko yelled over the music, tossing her hair, and Ino gasped in sudden admiration. He gasped again when he saw a team of familiar people coming at them.

Actually, two teams.

Gaia's team and Sayuri's team seemed to be competing with each other over who would kill Namiko first.

"She's mine, scum!" the Uchiha snarled at the red-head, but couldn't help admiring her eye shadow.

"Run!" Hinata cried, then grabbed his two blonde pals and ran to a large, metal door, even though he didn't know where it would lead him. Namiko turned at the last second, poking her tongue out at Sayuri as they burst open the door. Hinata quickly locked it, then leaned back against it, sighing.

"Why are there rooms in this nightclub?" Namiko asked. Before she could get an answer, a man wearing a fedora jumped out of a closet and shoved her up against the wall.

"I've been waiting for you, m'lady," he said seductively, licking his lips and tipping his fedora. Jesus. Did he actually think he could seduce people like that?

Ino and Hinata froze. A moment passed until they started screaming at the guy, while the rival teams from outside tried to break down the thicc door.

"Let her go!" Hinata cried, but the man didn't listen.

"Get off her!" Ino yelled and tried to punch him, but the man quickly did a back kick towards Ino and knocked him flying. Hinata gulped and looked back from the shaking door and the creepy fedora man who now had one hand grabbing Namiko's chin while the other held her arm to her side.

Namiko glared at the man before bending his fingers back with her free hand. "You got ten seconds to let me go, or I'll break 'em," she hissed, squirming against his tight grip.

"Mm mm mm, you're feisty. I like that," said the fedora guy, wiggling his eyebrows and pointing at his dong.

Namiko cringed. "Nah, I just like this thing called consent," she growled.

"Let's hook up," the man insisted, but Namiko had had enough.

"H-Hang in there, Namiko!" Hinata tried to console her, piling up furniture near the rattling door.

"Go fuck yourself," Namiko hissed.

"Already have," said the man.

Before Namiko could retaliate, a puppet finally broke the locked door down and everyone huddled up into a corner once they saw who did it. A large figure walked in and the fedora guy let go of Namiko, scared of the new visitor.

"Scared?" Kaede asked, the purple paint on her face curving around as she smiled in twisted glee.

Namiko stared at her with shock. "Yeah. Of your... your buffness! You look like you eat elephants for breakfast and lift five ton weights!" she yelled.

"At least I have ass and tiddies, bitch!" Kaede roared and her puppet punched Namiko.

Gaia and Sayuri shoved past Kaede before glaring at each other.

"What mixtape do you have?" Gaia asked in her strangely deep voice, which was beginning to piss Sayuri off. Not only was her eyeshadow perfect, but so was her voice.

The Uchiha's eyes narrowed. "Show me yours first," she ordered. Gaia pulled a black mixtape out of her peanut gourd. "Shit," Sayuri grumbled, lowering her head when she saw that Gaia's mixtape was the same as hers, but it snapped back up when she noticed that Namiko, Ino and Hinata were gone.

The fedora guy was still there so she pointed a knife at his face. "Where did they go?" she asked. The man pointed at the open closet which contained a secret escape route. Fuming, Sayuri and Gaia went in while their teammates sighed with a lack of interest.

After running through a dark tunnel for a few minutes, Namiko got bored and jumped onto Ino's back. She pulled something out of the pouch hanging from his belt and her face dropped when she noticed it was a mixtape. "Aw, I thought it was a box of cigarettes. Man, that woulda made some good gossip, but it's just one of those stupid mixtapes. Why does it have to be the white mixtape? White people can't even rap!" Namiko complained.

"Get off," Ino grumbled, cheek pressed to the floor. "We need to escape!"

"WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU!" both girls, Sayuri and Gaia, screamed from a few metres behind team seven. Surprisingly, their screams sounded good with the heavy metal- uh, I mean the suicidal progressive satanic black rapcore metal.

"Oh, right," Namiko said, getting off Ino's back and pulling him up, when she noticed that Hinata was gone. "Let's catch up with Hinata!" she cried, dashing away, but before Ino could run, he was grabbed and held with a knife at his throat.

"Run and I'll kill your boyfriend," Sayuri hissed.

 


	11. Every action movie ever

"Bold of you to assume I'm straight," Namiko replied.

"So you're just gonna let me die?" Ino asked nervously, trying to stay still as possible so Sayuri's kunai wouldn't accidentally cut him.

Before Namiko or Sayuri could respond Gaia slowly walked forward from behind them, sand floating around her. As if it had a mind of its own, it whipped forward and wrapped itself around Sayuri, Ino, and Namiko.

"You little shit! I thought we were a team!" Sayuri shouted.

"I never said we were," Gaia stated, her light green eyes meeting dark ones.

"Would ya look at that; The emo squad is breakin' up," Namiko said dryly.

Meanwhile, Hinata hid behind a corner where the secret tunnel bended, trembling with fear, but relieved that Gaia hadn't noticed him. Still, he had to do something to save his team. With a prayer running through his head, he jumped out and used his gentle fist like a karate chop on the sand, momentarily disconnecting Sayuri, Ino and Namiko from Gaia's hold.

"Aaaaaaaaaaa!" Hinata shrieked.

"That's it!" Gaia roared. "I'll kill you all and paint a portrait of Morgan Freeman using your blood!"

Luckily for them, the fedora guy from the last chapter crept up on the redhead and smelled her hair. "What the hell am I saying," she growled. "I'll kill this nonce first!"

The fedora guy gulped and ran for his life, Gaia following.

Everyone sighed in relief, forgetting that they were on different sides. Sayuri's eyes widened but before she could attack, Namiko had wrapped both arms around her stomach and tackled her to the floor. Almost immediately, she was tied up with some random shoelaces, hands behind her back and ankles tied together.

"See, I don't suck as much as you think I do," Namiko said with an uncharacteristic smirk, tightening the laces around Sayuri.

"You must have sucked something if Iruka-sensei let you—" the Uchiha began, but was slapped in the face.

Namiko glared so furiously at her that for a moment, Ino thought she would go crazy and kill everyone. Again. Thankfully, she didn't. "That's goin' too far," Namiko hissed, "I ain't your mum."

Ino and Hinata winced. Sayuri shocked them for suggesting that Namiko would do such a thing, but the blonde's comeback was too savage for the Uchiha girl.

"Don't talk about my mum like that," Sayuri growled.

"C-Come on, we're all from the same village!" Hinata cried, breaking up the tension between the two girls. "We're going to be in here for sixty-nine hours and it hasn't even been one, yet we're at each other's throats. Just stop!"

Namiko seemed a bit guilty after that, and Sayuri's look of rage had faded, leaving her cold and blank like usual.

Ino glanced at his two team mates before talking. "Namiko, mind untying her?" he asked.

"Why? So she can take our mixtape?" Namiko asked.

"No," Ino answered. "Hinata's right. We shouldn't be fighting."

"Okay, just lemme take her mixtape at least," Namiko sighed, checking Sayuri's pockets for the black mixtape her team needed, but pausing when she couldn't find it.

"You think I'm stupid enough to carry it when everyone expects that? I don't have it with me," Sayuri said with that annoying Uchiha smirk. "And don't bother untying me because I wouldn't work with you if my life depended on it."

"I wouldn't want it any other way," Namiko replied coldly, for once trying to restrain herself.

Team seven began to drag Sayuri away.

"Where are you taking me?" Sayuri asked gruffly.

"We need to find somewhere safe to hide," Hinata simply said after Ino and Namiko stayed silent.

"It doesn't matter where you go. Shino can find me," Sayuri replied.

"Like he could do anything," Namiko snapped, glancing at Ino then quickly looking away when she noticed him staring at her.

After fifteen minutes of walking through different rooms, they found one that was close to the dance floor — they could hear the bass thumping the closer they got — but not too close. Everyone decided to stay in there for the time being.

Namiko found an old computer and had started playing Roblox, her account name being •●•xXxHitlerFanxXx•●• while Hinata and Ino sat beside Sayuri and tried to formulate a plan.

Soon, Shino walked in with Chouji. Not just him, but Satoshi too. The pinky had his arms wrapped around Shino's waist.

Ino gulped. "Satoshi, make sure you don't—" he began, but by the time he had said that the boy had leapt forward and untied Sayuri.

"Satoshi! No!" Namiko cried, but it was too late. Sayuri was free. She kicked Satoshi, making him fly into Ino, and then punched Hinata in the face, throwing him into a wall and knocking him out.

"Come on, boys!" the Uchiha girl roared.

Chouji's hands grew in size and he grabbed Namiko. "That's what happens when you call me a fatass," he hissed, clenching his fist and making Namiko gasp.

"Come on, you're still salty about that?" she cried, making Ino raise his head. A whole bunch of bugs supplied by Shino crawled up his panties and he shrieked, then fainted.

Namiko soon passed out from lack of breath and Chouji threw her into the pile of bodies consisting of her, Ino, Satoshi and Hinata. Shino tied them up with the same shoelaces that Sayuri had been tied up in, then placed a bomb near them.

Sayuri stared contemptuously at them from above before smirking. "Now I'm gonna take your mixtape, you incompetent little shits," she said and took a step forward, suddenly feeling something crunch under her shoe. She looked down, realising that she had stepped on Satoshi's hand. Satoshi opened his green eyes and screamed so loud that everything in the room shook.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Fuck! Just forget it; I can't handle this," Sayuri hissed with her hands over her ears, activating the bomb and leaving with her team mates.

*

"This is the end," Satoshi sighed.

"Goodbye world!" Hinata cried with a huge bruise on his face, feeling sad that he'd never be able to tell his crush his true feelings.

"I never got to finish my Roblox game, and I was gonna get a big tiddy goth girlfriend," Namiko sniffed.

"Wait, what?" Ino asked. He didn't get a reply though, as the counter on the bomb went down to ten, then nine, then eight, and so on. Everyone was silent as the numbers went lower and lower. What a cliché fucking bomb.

3

2

1

0

Thankfully, the bomb didn't explode because it was made in China. Namiko sighed and let go of Ino's crushed hand, while Satoshi cried tears of joy and Hinata passed out from happiness.

"This is nice, but how are we gonna get outta these shoelaces?" Ino asked.

"We can use our imagination! Let's pretend that the shoelaces are spaghetti and eat them!" Satoshi suggested.

Ino cringed.

"Hey! That's pretty good!" Namiko agreed.

"Well, obviously you'd be okay with that," Satoshi said with slight disdain, making Ino's blood boil. Namiko didn't seem to care about the way he'd treated her, which was odd because she usually never allowed people to talk shit.

"You're the one that suggested eating the damn shoelaces," Ino hissed to Satoshi.

"Oh, true," Satoshi said with a dumb look on his face. "Then maybe I can use my ultimate jutsu!" he announced.

Ultimate jutsu? Even I, the ever so tedious Narrator, had not heard of this. Satoshi inhaled and screamed, "Kiba, Shikamaru, help me!" His scream crumbled the plaster on the ceiling.

Half an hour later, said boys found their way there. Kiba's little doggy, Akamaru, chewed the shoelaces and they were free.

Satoshi's team were thanked but as team seven walked away, a kunai whizzed past them. "What mixtape do ya have?" Kiba asked.

Hinata gulped. "W-We can't tell you that," he muttered.

Satoshi clicked his fingers and ordered, "Attack them." Shikamaru didn't react. Instead, he sat on a couch and yawned about what a drag all this shit was, so poor Kiba stood there, wondering what to do. "Go and attack them, then!" Satoshi snapped, so Kiba and Akamaru used their favourite jutsu.

"Fang over Fang!" Kiba roared, rushing to team seven in a swirling mass of fur, sweat, and swag.

Namiko jumped in front of her two team mates and put her hands together in a sign. "Mixtape jutsu!" she shouted, creating clones who had mixtapes stuck to their bodies. She turned a knob on one of the clones to increase the volume of her own voice. Her team mates had actually forgotten she could use that so they were quite surprised when it happened.

"Somebody gon' get their ass kicked!" a distorted voice roared out of one clone's wide mouth, hurting everyone's ears. Especially Kiba and Akamaru's. They both fell to the floor and writhed in pain.

"You know, I just realised that we're the only team here that isn't full of psychopaths!" Ino commented to Hinata, raising his voice over the loud sound.

"Shut up, Ino-pig! Stop backchatting me!" Satoshi yelled. "At least I don't bleach my hair like a wannabe K-pop dude!"

"One; it's not bleached, and two; you're the K-pop dude with your damn cherry blossom hair!" Ino roared.

"Fuck you!" Satoshi cried and threw himself at the blonde. Jesus, every time those freaks met they ended up fighting. Anyway, back to the story.

Kiba got up and punched a few clones in the face, sending them reeling and fading into smoke. He sensed which one was actually the real Namiko, as there was a chakra imbalance thanks to him poofing a few of them. Kiba then jumped her.

"Ow, you fatass, get off me!" Namiko hissed. He smirked before pulling her team's mixtape out of one of her pockets.

Meanwhile, Hinata was standing there by himself like a left out kid in school when the teacher says "group up." Poor boy. He glanced at Shikamaru with his pale eyes, and the Nara pulled something from the depths of his weave. "We got a white one. Don't try to take it, because I'm too lazy to stop you," Shikamaru grumbled, showing a white mixtape to Hinata.

"They got the same one," Kiba sighed to Akamaru, chucking team seven's mixtape back at Namiko while Ino got off of Satoshi.

Namiko shoved Kiba off her and stood up, too. "Don't follow us!" she shouted, taking Ino's hand in hers and Hinata's in the other, before jumping over the couch that Shika was on and leaving through the door.

They made their way to a smaller dance floor in a few minutes but noticed right away that something was wrong. Blood splattered the walls and floor, Gaia standing in the middle of it all with a crazed smile on her face. As if she had spidey senses, her head slowly turned to the right to face the team, though she didn't say a word. Namiko didn't ask why there was so much blood everywhere, hoping that it was just her time of the month gone wrong.

"So now we have to make sure nobody steals our mixtapes from us for the next," Kaede, who was sitting at the bar, mumbled and checked her watch, "68 hours, approximately." She followed Gaia's eyes to team seven and scowled.

"Nobody can take 'em off little sis," Tetsuya said, leaning forward to kiss Gaia on the forehead when she gave him a look that told him not to try anything or he'd die.

Namiko casually strolled to the bar, past Gaia and her brother, and sat down on a high stool at a table that Kaede was facing. The brunette glared at her and she glared back. "Anything you'd like?" Kaede growled.

"Three water bottles and any fizzy drink," Namiko said without realising that Kaede was being sarcastic.

Hinata and Ino stared at the newly discovered remains of a team of Iwa-nin. No wonder there was so much blood. Gaia had always seemed dangerous, but this was terrifying.

Kaede then grumbled to Namiko, "Get it yourself!"

The blonde blinked innocently. "But you asked me if there was anything I wanted," she replied. Kaede sighed and chucked the bottles of water at her, proceeding to fill a large cup with some Sproite, which Namiko took without a word before heading straight for Gaia.

"Here. You need this, girl," Namiko said to the red-head, holding out the large cup for her. Gaia took it without realising, but then shattered it into pieces using only her hand, the Sproite running down her forearm and dripping to the floor with a churning sound.

"Go away," Gaia snarled, taking a few steps back, an expression of rage on her face, but despair, too, as if she wished she could be less monstrous, but didn't know how.

"Oof. You look like you need a hug," Namiko muttered.

"What?" Gaia grumbled as if she didn't understand.

Namiko stared at her for a few seconds. Gaia reminded her of herself. Namiko wasn't a killer but she acted similar to Gaia, back when she was too small and weak to handle the insults thrown at her from vengeful villagers. Hiruzen approached her one day but she yelled at him and left, believing that he was lying to her. After he bought her some ramen, she calmed down. Hiruzen became Namiko's first friend. Too bad that he had died by her hand. Namiko felt a pang of guilt, and left to go back to her team mates.


End file.
